Saturday, 15 October 2011
Dark day
This will be dull so I won't blame you all if you leave now!
Not been the best of days today, not for any valid reason, just one of those days when it seems that a dark cloud is following me around with the constant threat of a downpour. Tried my hardest to keep smiling and laughing at work as usual, but in the 11th hour there I just didn't have the energy and the mask slipped from my face. It didn't go unnoticed but i'm not sure I really care!
Ate more than planned at work:-
Breakfast biscuits x4 (228) planned
Large sharon fruit x1 (137) planned
Scrambled egg (400?)Unplanned
Grapes (60) Unplanned
TOTAL = (825)
This I am so not pleased with, have stuck to 4-500 calories for the past 5 days and today was ment to be the same. GOT to do better tomorrow, just have to.
On a better note I really want to say a really thank you to all of my followers and to everyone that I am following. I started a blog a few years back but never stuck to it. I'm so glad I have this time as not only is it helping me to stay strong when i'm not doing so well, but for the first time in my life I feel that I actually belong somewhere and that is very much down to all of you lovely, beautiful people.
Sending you all love and skinny thoughts
xabbix
Friday, 14 October 2011
25 things about me
I want to start by thanking everyone who commented on my last post, you are all truely beautiful people.
This is an idea created by beth, thought I would give it a go,
Ok 25 things about me
1-I have a bee/wasp phobia, something that gets quite a few laughs from friends in the summer after watching me screaming and flapping whilst in a full sprint.
2-I have a bladder the size of a walnut. Seriously I can not go more than an hour without having to pee and my first thought before going anywhere is will there be toilets? very annoying.
3-I love reptiles and Breed Leopard Geckos at home. I have one mating pair (Max 4yrs and Amber 3yrs), and a male albino leopard (Benni 18months and max and ambers first born).
4-I hate christmas, but can not resist hand making my xmas cards each year and filling them with sweets and chocolates, just like making people smile.
5-I enjoy nothing more than being outside and with nature, always looking forward to my next long walk or next trip out on the kayak. I also own a pair of jumping stilts (also known as pro jump stilts), they are great fun. I can walk well on them and do little jogs but nothing like you would see on youtube unfortunately.
6-I am addicted to Gilmore Girls, I want to have Lorelai's quick wit and Rory's pretty face and tiny frame.
7-I am a published poet, Had 10 poems printed in verious books so far but nothing recently, going through a bit of a block. would one day like to have a poetry book of my own published.
8-My life dream is to own my own a small holding. I want to raise my own animals, pigs/ sheep/ chickens, I want a donkey and the biggest veg patch. I'm not veggie but don't really eat meat either. I don't like to buy meat often as don't know the conditions in which the animal lived, if i raise my own at least I know it was loved (thats if I could eat it at all after caring for it)
9-Horror films are the best, nothing better than being scared out of your skin (although it's very rare to find a good horror these days)
10-Favoite comedians are Billy Connolly, Tim Minchin (if you don't know him look him up on youtube, brilliant), Lee Evens, Bill Bailey. I do love to laugh, it makes my heart feel lighter.
11-The best part of my job is when a resident has passed away and we have to lay out the body, I know how morbid this sounds and not something one should actually enjoy but it's not like that. I've seen people physically pass away and you can see them leave, there face and there body changes. Laying them out is special, especially if it's someone you are very fond of. washing them, laying them in clean sheets and brushing their hair, these are the last things I will ever do for these wonderfull people and I feel privileged to do it.
12-I am a caffine addict and feel very ill without it
13-I am a terrible dancer, just have no rhythm and can't move so I just gave up trying.
14-I live in organised chaos. My flat isn't tidy, I do however know where everything is and if someone was to come in and move something I would know instantly. Just wish I kept things a bit neater but never had it in me.
15-Thunder and lightning make me smile like nothing else
16-Looking up at the stars scares me, my mind starts wondering to what's out there and how can space have no start and no end? I already feel very small in this big world but Looking at the stars makes me feel incredibly insignificant.
17-I want to weigh as little as possible when I die, for myself but also because I feel really sorry for who ever ends up carrying my coffin!
18-I love elephants
19-I sucked my thumb till I was 12 and have always twisted my hair around my fingers, especially when i'm tired. in photos of me as a child I have boys haircuts because I would twist my hair so tight I pulled it out. I still twist a lot and can't get to sleep without my hair in my fingers and my mouth covered by my duvet.
20-my favorite flowers are Lillies
21-I've never had a long term relationship or serious boyfriend. Think i'm affraid of commitment and don't like people getting too close and knowing the real me. Short term flings and one night stands have been my limit.
22- I would love a family of my own but terrified that it is never going to happen. I'm pretty sure I will die alone and childless.
23-I hate exercise, it's just so boring but try to push myself to do it when I can, although i'm not very dedicated.
24-I love almonds and anything almond flavoured. Marzipan is the most amazing food every (I just don't let myself eat any of it anymore which is sooooo hard, I miss it)
25-i'm not your typical girl, I hate clothes shopping as everything looks horrlble on my short, fat frame. But I hate shopping for shoes more. I tend to stick to about 2-3 pairs of shoes (wearing my trainers most days) and only buy new when the old are falling apart.
So there we are, sorry this has been so boring but I really am a very boring person.
xabbix
This is an idea created by beth, thought I would give it a go,
Ok 25 things about me
1-I have a bee/wasp phobia, something that gets quite a few laughs from friends in the summer after watching me screaming and flapping whilst in a full sprint.
2-I have a bladder the size of a walnut. Seriously I can not go more than an hour without having to pee and my first thought before going anywhere is will there be toilets? very annoying.
3-I love reptiles and Breed Leopard Geckos at home. I have one mating pair (Max 4yrs and Amber 3yrs), and a male albino leopard (Benni 18months and max and ambers first born).
4-I hate christmas, but can not resist hand making my xmas cards each year and filling them with sweets and chocolates, just like making people smile.
5-I enjoy nothing more than being outside and with nature, always looking forward to my next long walk or next trip out on the kayak. I also own a pair of jumping stilts (also known as pro jump stilts), they are great fun. I can walk well on them and do little jogs but nothing like you would see on youtube unfortunately.
6-I am addicted to Gilmore Girls, I want to have Lorelai's quick wit and Rory's pretty face and tiny frame.
7-I am a published poet, Had 10 poems printed in verious books so far but nothing recently, going through a bit of a block. would one day like to have a poetry book of my own published.
8-My life dream is to own my own a small holding. I want to raise my own animals, pigs/ sheep/ chickens, I want a donkey and the biggest veg patch. I'm not veggie but don't really eat meat either. I don't like to buy meat often as don't know the conditions in which the animal lived, if i raise my own at least I know it was loved (thats if I could eat it at all after caring for it)
9-Horror films are the best, nothing better than being scared out of your skin (although it's very rare to find a good horror these days)
10-Favoite comedians are Billy Connolly, Tim Minchin (if you don't know him look him up on youtube, brilliant), Lee Evens, Bill Bailey. I do love to laugh, it makes my heart feel lighter.
11-The best part of my job is when a resident has passed away and we have to lay out the body, I know how morbid this sounds and not something one should actually enjoy but it's not like that. I've seen people physically pass away and you can see them leave, there face and there body changes. Laying them out is special, especially if it's someone you are very fond of. washing them, laying them in clean sheets and brushing their hair, these are the last things I will ever do for these wonderfull people and I feel privileged to do it.
12-I am a caffine addict and feel very ill without it
13-I am a terrible dancer, just have no rhythm and can't move so I just gave up trying.
14-I live in organised chaos. My flat isn't tidy, I do however know where everything is and if someone was to come in and move something I would know instantly. Just wish I kept things a bit neater but never had it in me.
15-Thunder and lightning make me smile like nothing else
16-Looking up at the stars scares me, my mind starts wondering to what's out there and how can space have no start and no end? I already feel very small in this big world but Looking at the stars makes me feel incredibly insignificant.
17-I want to weigh as little as possible when I die, for myself but also because I feel really sorry for who ever ends up carrying my coffin!
18-I love elephants
19-I sucked my thumb till I was 12 and have always twisted my hair around my fingers, especially when i'm tired. in photos of me as a child I have boys haircuts because I would twist my hair so tight I pulled it out. I still twist a lot and can't get to sleep without my hair in my fingers and my mouth covered by my duvet.
20-my favorite flowers are Lillies
21-I've never had a long term relationship or serious boyfriend. Think i'm affraid of commitment and don't like people getting too close and knowing the real me. Short term flings and one night stands have been my limit.
22- I would love a family of my own but terrified that it is never going to happen. I'm pretty sure I will die alone and childless.
23-I hate exercise, it's just so boring but try to push myself to do it when I can, although i'm not very dedicated.
24-I love almonds and anything almond flavoured. Marzipan is the most amazing food every (I just don't let myself eat any of it anymore which is sooooo hard, I miss it)
25-i'm not your typical girl, I hate clothes shopping as everything looks horrlble on my short, fat frame. But I hate shopping for shoes more. I tend to stick to about 2-3 pairs of shoes (wearing my trainers most days) and only buy new when the old are falling apart.
So there we are, sorry this has been so boring but I really am a very boring person.
xabbix
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
my before and now pictures
should be sleeping now as up in 5 hours for work but wanted to do this before I lost my nerve, sorry about the picture quality......
me at 13stone before the diet
me now
both pics equally as horrible but hope to improve on the last
xabbix
me at 13stone before the diet
me now
both pics equally as horrible but hope to improve on the last
xabbix
not too bad so far
Just a quick post as back out in a few minutes
Firstly thankyou to Fatpiggy and Sam for your comments, @Fat Piggy picks will be up in a day or two hopefully.
The visit to mums went well, she loved the cake and surprise visit which was good, and yes I did have some cake but only because when I said no 'A' replied with "yes she WILL have some" and gave me a look, so I had a very small piece. I'm estermating it at 600 calories which is a gross over estermate but may help keep things under control for the rest of the evening.
And mum did notice that I had lost weight, she said I have lost a lot of weight but thankfully was pleased for me (and envious as she is still putting on) so I was happy with that and feel safe in loosing more without her becoming suspicous.
Now i'm off out to the fair which could prove harder work where food is concerned. Both 'A' and 'M' are planning to not only eat at the fair but also eat at McDonalds on the way home....gonna need luck with this one as prob only get away with not eating once. 'A' has been with me all day so knows i'v only had the small bit of cake, figure if i wait till way home to eat then I can only have a little then close enough to home to purge once i'm back!!!!
Please, powers that be, help me to resist all that yummy food tonight, im fed up of being the great fat lump I see in the mirror every day
xabbix
Firstly thankyou to Fatpiggy and Sam for your comments, @Fat Piggy picks will be up in a day or two hopefully.
The visit to mums went well, she loved the cake and surprise visit which was good, and yes I did have some cake but only because when I said no 'A' replied with "yes she WILL have some" and gave me a look, so I had a very small piece. I'm estermating it at 600 calories which is a gross over estermate but may help keep things under control for the rest of the evening.
And mum did notice that I had lost weight, she said I have lost a lot of weight but thankfully was pleased for me (and envious as she is still putting on) so I was happy with that and feel safe in loosing more without her becoming suspicous.
Now i'm off out to the fair which could prove harder work where food is concerned. Both 'A' and 'M' are planning to not only eat at the fair but also eat at McDonalds on the way home....gonna need luck with this one as prob only get away with not eating once. 'A' has been with me all day so knows i'v only had the small bit of cake, figure if i wait till way home to eat then I can only have a little then close enough to home to purge once i'm back!!!!
Please, powers that be, help me to resist all that yummy food tonight, im fed up of being the great fat lump I see in the mirror every day
xabbix
I wonder if they will notice....
Ok so i'm off to see my mum and one of my sisters today. It's been almost a month since i saw my sis and must be about 2 months since i saw my mum, will be intersting to see if either of them notice/comment on the weight loss.
This could also be a challenge, it's mums birthday this weekend but im working, hence the visit today instead and she loves my cakes so made one yesterday for her birthday
The problem is that when i made her a cake last year she made me have a slice, and her slices are NOT small. Gonna try the "I ate loads whilst making it" excuse and see where that gets me.
Then after seeing my family I am off to a carnival in Cornwall with a few friends, this is when my will power must be strong, there will be so many fast food stalls and sweets around me. My friend 'A' knows i'm on a diet but he's always telling me i'm fine as i am (code for "yes you are over weight but don't worry about it") and saying the thing I really hate as it tends to stick in my head "just one won't hurt", god i can't stand it when people say that to me. YES IT WILL HURT BACUSE ONCE I START I WILL NOT STOP!
Please wish me luck
xabbix
P.S I have been thinking about putting up before and after pictures but really scared about doing it. At my heaviest I was 13stone/182lbs which is big as i'm only 5ft 1" i'm very ashamed.
But my after pic is the one i'm most scared of, i'm not slim yet, my thighs still very much meet when my feet are together, i still have quite a stomach on me and I hate my bingo wings. But hoping that putting it on here for all to see will enourage me to keep loosing.....watch this space!
This could also be a challenge, it's mums birthday this weekend but im working, hence the visit today instead and she loves my cakes so made one yesterday for her birthday
The problem is that when i made her a cake last year she made me have a slice, and her slices are NOT small. Gonna try the "I ate loads whilst making it" excuse and see where that gets me.
Then after seeing my family I am off to a carnival in Cornwall with a few friends, this is when my will power must be strong, there will be so many fast food stalls and sweets around me. My friend 'A' knows i'm on a diet but he's always telling me i'm fine as i am (code for "yes you are over weight but don't worry about it") and saying the thing I really hate as it tends to stick in my head "just one won't hurt", god i can't stand it when people say that to me. YES IT WILL HURT BACUSE ONCE I START I WILL NOT STOP!
Please wish me luck
xabbix
P.S I have been thinking about putting up before and after pictures but really scared about doing it. At my heaviest I was 13stone/182lbs which is big as i'm only 5ft 1" i'm very ashamed.
But my after pic is the one i'm most scared of, i'm not slim yet, my thighs still very much meet when my feet are together, i still have quite a stomach on me and I hate my bingo wings. But hoping that putting it on here for all to see will enourage me to keep loosing.....watch this space!
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