Oh god i'm gross

I am nothing but a big, round, wobbling mound of fat! Why why why can't I control my eating? I did so well after my last post, for 3 weeks I only consumed coffee, slimfast shakes and fruit. I went down a dress size, then BAM my period hit and so did the cravings for pretty much ANYTHING eddible, especially if it was sweet. Now im out of control. I cant even look at myself in the bath, I wash with the lights off or just a little candle light so that I dont have to look. I have no will power, no self control and no self respect. I HATE my body I HATE my job I HATE my life I HATE myself

IM BACK!!!

Hi everyone, i wonder if anyone will read this?? I have been away from this blog for nearly 8 months, the time has gone by so fast and so slow at the same time. Um whats changed in the last 8 months? well I am an auntie to my sisters beautiful baby girl, I have been promoted at work to Senior Carer (after 2 years of them asking me i finally gave in. but apart from that, the only thing that has changed is my weight. I dont know what im up to now as terrified to step on the scales. im wearing size (uk) 14, and they dont feel confortable in even that size. I dont know why I have let myself get into this state, I dont even really care why, all I know is that I need to change my ways, and change my body in a drastic way. I wont be an 8 by xmas, or even a 10 im sure but I will be smaller and I will be more comfortable. Please stay with me through this journey and I will stay with you, together anything is possible xxabbixx

I am a big FAT diagusting mess!!

I hate myself, I hate my life and I don't know how or if I can change it!

I can't stop eating, I can't stop purging, and the more I purge the hadder it seems get. I'm convinced it's gonna give me a heart attack soon!

All my will power has completely gone, if I eat in the morning then I can pretty much right off the rest of the day....and if I startve during the day then I bing and purge in the evening which I hate doing.

Please Please Please Please does anyone have any tips for me? I need drastic help, so fed up with being so fat and crying all the time because of it! please help me i'm begging you all, I don't know how much longer I can stand living this crap life

xabbix

me and my bones is now on facebook

this is a really quick post, for anyone that reads my blog and goes on facebook, I have just set up a me and my bones facebook page. untill I can get my internet set up at home I will be mostly posting on there as can access it using my phone.
I would love for you to requst me (abbifa meandmybones) and would love to catch up with you all soon.

It has JUST been set up so need some work

*abbi*

so so sorry, I miss you guys!!

Hi everyone, i'm really missing talking to you all and reading all your blogs, and I could really do with some motervation from you all.
I've still not got internet at home so struggling to keep up with you all and obviously not been able to update my own.

I am really struggling with my eating and keeping up the self control, one day I can keep to 600 calories and the next i'm stuffing around 2000 down my throat. It's really getting me down and I feel huge. I was 115lbs last time I weighed but that was a week ago and so scared to step back on the scales, despite itching to know what i am now. only just squeezing into the size 8 (uk) jeans I have on now and it sucks.

I know i have neglected you all over the last few months and I can't appologize enough, but please I really need your help to sort myself out and get back on track.....

love you

xabbix

Oh my....

Merry christmas everyone, hope you have all servived and hopefully had lots of fun.

I myself have put the diet on hold till wednesday, that's not to say i am binging in the sense that i'm eating everything in sight. But I am not depriving myself of anything if I want it, just sticking to the meals that my family are having. I feel good not having to restrict for a few days and having the pressure off myself, but my god I am feeling fat as a house and my inside feel dirty! I am looking forward to getting back home tomorrow night and going back to my good, healthy clean food from wednesday morning.

The last 2 days have taught me well, I have again learn't how bad I feel physically, eating like most people do without giving a thought to what is going into their bodies and I don't like it. Although when restricting I tend to crave food I should not eat but at least now I can think back to this xmas and remember how gross I feel having all this stodge just sitting in my gut and rotting me from the inside out!

if I can keep this in mind then new year should start with a big kick up my ass as far as food is concerned....bring it on I say!!!

xabbix

not good!

So sorry I have been absent for a while, internet is down so no longer have regular access, will try to get it sorted asap.

I'm not doing great, xmas seems to be screwing me over big time, still at 112 but holding onto that by a shoe string! I need to pull myself together and start being very very strict with myself.
None of my friends seem to understand how i'm feeling, one asked me yesterday what's wrong with me? why am I suddenly so body conscious?
My mum said she can't beleive how much weight I have lost and not to lose any more! I'm only just fitting into uk size 8 so don't get what the big deal is??? and If I keep eating like I have been then the size 8 will soon be pushed to the back of the waldrobe again. Arghhh that just can not happen! new year I am turning veggie and having no more than 500 calories a day and joing the gym. Yeah I am in pain and the exercise will make it worse but it will all be worth it in the end!

Sometimes I do wonder if it's really worth the effort, if life in general is worth the constant struggle when throwing in the towel is so much simpler! I just long for the day when I can look in the mirror with feeling like a fat horrible evil cow that isn't worth the air that I breath.

I really hope you are all well and staying strong during this hard time of year

love you all
xabbix

why can't I do this?

I am rubbish at SGD,
Day 1 should have been 400, I binged and ate a huge 1200! burn't 600 on the exercise bike.
Day 2 should have been 300, I stuck to 300 but only because I had the day off and spent 6 hours with a friend so only had coffee with him and fruit at home. burn't 300 on the bike
today, day 3 should have been 400, I had a massive 1500! purged what was left in my stomach when I got home from work but wasn't a lot then burn't 600 on the bike.

I need to do better than this. xmas meal is 2 weeks away and my dress is just about fitting around my belly and thighs, I need to lose and simply can not afford to gain. Weighed this morning and i'm back up to 113, this can't happen.
A big part of the problem is work, There is food every where (today I was the cook so it was even easier to cheat myself), I just don't seem to have any self control any more. it's also that time of the month again which always make me want to eat and sweet and stodgy food in particular.

I have just made food to take to work with me tomorrow, chopped cucumber and satsumas for snacking in the morning, bean salad for lunch and chopped mixed peppers and satsuma for snacking in the afternoon-550 calories and hopefully having this to hand will stop me reaching for the biscuits and cake like today, (although I must say that the sticky ginger cake with vanilla drizzle I made today was very yummy, wish I was a crap cook, it would be so much easier!)

If anyone has any tips for keeping motivated and in contol I would love to hear them. I have a picture of a skinny girl with awsome ribs as wall paper on my phone to look at, also write all my calorie intakes on my phone through out the day so I don't lose track. Try chewing gum to stop me eating but my jaw just ends up hurting after a few hours and the acid build up in my stomach makes me feel hungry, ant-acids only help for a short time....
I'm running out of ideas.

Tomorrow I will wear an elastic band round my wrist and snap it against my skin when ever I think about eating anything I shouldn't, try to train my brain to associate fat foods with pain.

fingers crossed and I hope you are doing a lot better that I currently am with your intakes

xabbix

here's to a fresh start!!

Today I feel like a new me, a better person and more positive than I have felt in ages. I'm not certain of the reason behind this change of perspective but I think it has a lot to do with the comments on my last 2 posts.

@Fat Piggy-thankyou for the support and enouraging words, I have rallied before and I can do it again, thankyou for helping me to see this.

@sunshine child-Thankyou also to you and your comment, I have looked at the 10 day challenge and will definately give it a go, although right now I feel like I need something with a longer commitment so have decided to start with the skinny girl diet.

So yeah today has been a good day, woke at 6.30am and instead of going back to bed and trying to ignore the world as I have been doing recently on days off from work, I got up, made coffe and was ready to leave the house at 8.30am, check me out lol.
I went to the supermarket to stock up on veggies and fruit, treated myself to a new perfume from town and some hot oil conditioners for my increasingly dry hair, new handbag ready for the xmas meal/party and new jacket to go with my dress (all I need now is shoes), finshed with a skinny late to drink on the walk home.

Since then I have got cracking on my xmas cards, I have made my own for the past 5 years so thought I had better keep up the traddition. They are handmade glittery card stockings with candy canes and I have mini pink and white candy canes to go inside the card so everyone gets a little treat, normally put in little chocolate coins but thought the canes would work better with the theme. Will take a picture when i'm done.

So tomorrow I am starting the Skinny Girl Diet, since this lasts for 30 days it will take me up to new year. I will allow a day off for the work meal but still try to keep my calories low. Also take a day off on boxing day as with my family but again try to keep the calories as long as I can get away with. I am working 12-4pm christmas day so can get away with it on the day that most people will be eating the most. the rest of the day I will be at home, alone, confident I can survive but won't beat myself up to much if I indulge a little, it is christmas after all.
As I will be cheating a few days I will do the SGD twice.

Then as I should be used to restricting properly again I am thinking the ABC diet could follow as the calories are reduced even lower with that. I'm really quite excited to see how I get on with it and how much I could lose. Poeple are already telling me I look like i've lost a lot of weight/look thin/am getting skinny. I love it and really want it to continue.

Please wish me luck

hope everyone is doing ok, this time of year is always hard for everyone, what with xmas and for those in the US who have thanks giving. Hope you can all stay strong, and if you are struggling with the food just try to enjoy what you are having and restrict when you feel strong enough. If your going to eat you as well enjoy it right??

xabbix

I need to get a grip

I am sorry for being a little absent recently....it's just that I feel like I am going crazy. I know that you girls will understand, think you are the only ones who can and I have no one else to talk to.

I can't seem to get a handle on my emotions, or my eating or even what i'm thinking! one minute i'm crying like a baby, then i'm feeling really angry, then I don't feel anything at all, just kind of empty and numb. And as far as food is concerned, I know what I want to do, what I should be eationg to keep loosing weight but I can't seem to stick to it. lately i've been eating around 1000 calories instead of the 6-800 I planned to stick to, and other days i'm breaking 2000. I haven't exercised in over 2 weeks because my sciatica has flaired up so just walking is painful, and i'v been purging so much that now my stomach is being a bitch and holding onto the food making it so difficult to get even half up!

I seem to have maintained my weight over the last 2 weeks, still 112lbs but that's not good enough, I need it to go down and quickly. on the 17th december I have my work xmas meal, in a restaurant full of poeple, having to consume a 3 course fucking meal!!!!

ok I have picked my menue
*goats cheese salad
*monkfish in white wine sauce and veggies
*chocolate chip sundae

I have a size 8(uk) black and white dress to wear, will take a pic nearer the time to show you all if you like? It is now a bit baggy on top but just fits around my bum and thighs as these are my biggest problem (big in every way) but I feel like I need to be thinner, a lot!
any tips on fast weight loss with out actual fasting? fasts just lead to major binges and I can't afford to take the chance this close to the meal.

And on the medication front....I stopped taking the pills from the doc after just 3 days, They made it near on impossible for me to work as I felt drunk and like my head was working 30 seconds behind the rest of my body, and oh my they made me eat and eat and eat, nothing saticfied me and I had zero will power, think that's why i feel such a mess with food now because they destroyed my tolorance to hunger and killed my ability to restrict. he said to go back in 2 weeks to let him know how i'm getting on but naughty me isn't going back unless i'm dragged kicking and screaming. Not taking the chance of anything, chemical or other taking away my drive to lose weight

I want to be super skinny, I want to be light as a feather, I want to be barely here!

welcome. . . thankyou. . . .and HELP!!!

First off may I please say a very welcome to all of my new followers, I am so pleased to have you here sharing my journing. I hope I don't bore you too much on my blog and hopefully we can all be of some help to each other.

Secondly a very big thank you to sunshinechild for featuring Me and My Bones on your own blog, have just read what you wrote about me and it brought a tear to my eye, you were so kind and you wrote it so beautifully. I love reading your blog and it's so nice to know that someone out there is enjoying reading mine. I am not always very quick about commenting and reading other blogs but I catch up as often as I can and will try to help anyone I can if they are in need.

And now onto myself. . . . I have already stopped taking the pills the doc gave me. I was waking up in the mornings feeling like I was somewhere else completely. It almost felt like I had stayed up all night and was high as a kite! Now this isn't something I would have complained about had I not struggled so much at work over the weekend. I was slow, peoples voices just weren't registering to my brian and my head seemed to be working at least 30 seconds behind the rest of my body, not good when lookinjg after the old and needing to be very alert!
The other big problem was they have given me a huge appitite ! ! I have spend the whole weekend eatting and eatting and eatting, Anything I lost in the week must have been put back on and more. I'm too scared to weigh myself.

I could really do with some help from all you lovely ladies, After all this food at the weekend I can really feel myself slipping into a downward spiral of greed and gluttony. I need to find a way to gain control, to stay strong, to speed up the weight loss before I throw in the towel and decide it's just not worth the effort anymore.
I don't claim to be ana or mia, although I dip in and out of their grasps from time to time. I diet in a way that most would frown at but it is a diet none the less.

I sometimes lay in bed at night and pray for ana to wrap her arms around me, squeeze the fat from my bones and to never let me go ! ! !

xabbix

what a difference a month makes? new before/after pictures

me on 12th october 2011

me on 18 november 2011

I was really hoping that there would be more of a visible difference by now, but hey slow and steady wins the race right? Will be putting my next picture up at 105lbs (if I can see a change, maybe I will try 100lbs)

Well I went to the doc today, got a new GP and I must say I don't feel like I can really talk to him. I've been put back on happy pills, different ones this time but they should knock me out at night so hoping they will put an end to the waking up 4-5 times a night. Just hope that they don't leave me sleepy in the mornings too as I am gonna be at work 7 days straight this week, and I do long tiring days.

hope everyone is doing well on there own quest to thinness and perfection.

xabbix

weight is getting better....work is getting worse!

I stepped on the scales this morning for the first time in 3 days and i've lost 3lb, that is a better start to the day than i've had for a while. I didn't eat yesterday and not sure if I really want to eat today! I don't plan fasts anymore as they always seem to lead to a bing and purge session and i've doing that too much already without fasting, but yesterday I just couldn't face the thought of putting food, any food into my body.

I got to work yesterday morning to be told that one of the residents had complained to her daughter who then put in a complaint about me to the manager. I was in shock when I first heard as I haven't donething wrong, then one of the staff gave me a hug and I just broke down. I know this resident doesn't like me for some reason so for the last 3 months I have chosen to only help her with another carer, she just kept saying she would tell her daughter I was being nasty to her and wanted a little back up from someone else. Well on thursday when I wasn't there she told her daughter that when I put her to bed in the week her bed was wet from the night before, Apparently I told her I wouldn't change it and she just had to lie in it all night. I would never in a million years do that to anyone, the beds are changed every morning so it wouldn't have been wet and I only ever put her to bed with someone else with me but she still said it was just me. I told the manager I would no longer being helping her with anything and she agreed it was for the best, but the residents daughter still thinks I was that cruel, I hate when anyone thinks badly of me especially when I did nothing wrong!!!

I keep crying at everything at the moment, yesterday was the third time I have broken down at work. Think today I am going to try and see my doctor. I was on anti-depressants from the the age of 17-26, have gone 2 years trying to cope without them but now may the time I bit the bullet and gave in to their cemical help. sometimes it doesn't hurt to admitt when your struggling and if it makes me feel even just a little bit more human it will be worth it.

sorry for the boring posts lately, will try better next time I promise

xabbix

a little blue

I will appologise in advance for the following post:-

I don't really know whats wrong with me lately, I don't have a bad life really, things are good sometimes and not so good other times. It's swings and roundabouts, but isn't that what life is all about? They say you have to go through the bad times to fully apprieciate the good, I just wish the bad didn't last so long!

I'm just feeling a little blue and sorry for myself, can feel the black dog snapping at my heals with every pathetic step I take and as much as I would like to turn around and kick it square in the balls I don't have the energy any more. I have binged and perged a few times the last 2 days and not exercised tonight or friday night. The weight is slowly creeping back up, although it's just a few punds so far and instead of my clothes feeling tighter they are are actually starting to hang off me which is a little baffling!

Work is still shit and getting shitter but not much I do about that. Just keep my head down, do my work to the best of my ability and then fuck off home again. Home! Another place I don't want to be!

like I said i'm sorry for the post but feeling a little blue and don't have anyone else to talk to right now.

hope you are all doing well on your quest
stay skinny
xabbix

At long bloody last

It's been a struggle, i've had my high days and some very low days but at long last I have weighted in at my next goal weight-115lbs.
To celebrate I brought myself some flowers, a mixture of yellow and burgendy roses (seens as no one every buys flowers for me this is really quite a treat-although I really wanted a huge slab of chocolate!)

I did a 12 hour shift yesterday after my 5 days off. We had a staff meeting, a complete waste of time in my opinion. They are pretty much a chance for day staff to slag off night staff and for nights to slag off days, how productive!!
Anyway I am out the back having a fag after meeting and a member of staff pulls me to one side for a quick chat. Aparently she is getting really worried because of the weight i've lost quite quickly (iv been dieting for nearly 4 months and they only just notice! I obviously am not doing well enough then am I!) She's been looking at posts on my facebook and noticed I was complaining of being in pain one night and not being able to sleep, so now i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm ill with some sort of disease but hiding it from everyone (this was all followed by a hug during which i'm sure she was feeling my shoulder blades which are stating to stick out quite a bit). The only thing i'm hiding is just how strict my diet is, this does not make me ill in any shape or form.
When I went back in everyone then started to say how much weight I had lost and "just don't lose any more". 'A' even said all I need to do now is stay healthy and tone up!!!! I mean for fuck sake.... He may as well have just said "yeah you've lost weight but still have quite a few flabby bits!"

Is it wrong to really want to try harder now to lose the weight because I have been told not to? I hate that they must have been talking about me whilst I was outside, but a big part of me now just wants to put two boney ffingers up to them and prove that no one tells me what to do or how little I can be . . . .God that sounds childish!

stay strong and think thin
together we will win

xabbix

damn body . . . . you WILL obey ! !

I was so hoping to reach my third target this morning, actually looking forward to weighing as been losing weight steadily and consistantly all week.

What did I find glaring up at me on the scales? HALF A FUCKING POUND HEAVIER THAN YESTERDAY!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO I want to cry, it's so close I can taste it, I can almost feel it in my well insulated bones sigh. . . . maybe tomorrow eh.

I'm hoping the waether is nice today, think me and 'A' will be going out for a walk, my idea, really need to melt away some of these calories. also fancy going swimming but me in swimwear is not pretty, more like a whale that can't swim. I really wish I had been born with just an ounze of grace .

Even these big boned woman do better than me !

stay strong and think skinning my lovely girls

xabbix

a rose amongst thorns

I just want to show my support for this beautiful girl, she is struggling with life and her last post scares me,

Those that follow her, please show her right now that we all care about her and every girl on here. To those that don't follow, please take a look at her blog, as we probably all know by now, a few kind words and make all the differnce on a difficult day

http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.com/

I wish you and all of my followers strength in our struggles
I love you all
xabbix

trying to stay strong

I'm sat at my laptop with sweat marks on my top, legs aching and trying to convince myself that it will all be worth the effort when i'm slim.

I just can't help wishing there was a simpler way. How do all those skinny girls I know and see walking around do it so easily? My younger sister has it so so easy. She eats what she likes, when she likes, doesn't do any real exercise and still she is a natural size 6 (uk size). It's just not fair that I have to work so hard and near enough starve myself and I'm not even an 8 yet!

Today is my first day of 5 days off from work and i'm going to have to be so careful not to over eat. I estimate that in an average 12 hour shift I burn around 1000 calories easy, so thats 5000 calories I won't be burning this week. Will have to up my exercise to try to compensate (and as I have already said I hate exercise and I really hate getting sweaty and feeling dirty) and try to only eat negative calories. I get bored when I'm not at work and that normally leads me to want to eat all day.

I want to eat right now! I want a big plate of something hot (not eaten a cooked meal for months), something stodgy and comforting. It's a good thing I know all too well how I will be feeling after doing that and it puts me off. Just want the feeling of hunger to go away for a bit, to not have the cravings to constantly fight against. I want an empty plate in front of me and not feel like i'm getting fatter with every bite. I want a normal, healthy relationship with food. But that means fat, and horrible guilt and people watching as I stuff my face with food that fat girls like me are not ment to touch.
I guess I'm just getting tired from the endless fight inside my head!

I refuse to give up!
I refuse to be that weak girl again!
I refuse to be beaten!
I promise to wake up each day a little smaller than the day before
I will win!

feeling back on track

When I woke this morning I was back down to 119lbs, thank god for that. Not sure if it will still be the same tomorrow as had chocolate today on top of the 800cals I had allowed for the day (still aiming for 600-800 each day to keep matabolism ticking over) but hoping the 70mins (600) on my exercise bike with my ankle weights on has been enough to correct my little slip up. Not gonna get too down about it as no point, whats done is done and tomorrow is another day (and a 12 hour shift at work so god knows how many calories I will be burning there!!!).
I also had to put my bike on a harder setting as having it on 6 was getting far to easy, it's now set on 7 out of 8 settings so i'm quite pleased with that.
I am looking forward to getting paid on the 10th, gonna get myself heavier ankle weights, 1lb ones just don't feel heavy enough, 2lb for now will be good and just see how I get on with them. Can feel my legs getting more toned and as I have never had any muscle deffinition before it feels stange but I think I like it,

Hope you are all staying strong and thinking thin

xabbix

and so let the shit begin. . . . AGAIN!

Ok can I feel any worse than I do right now? Probably as I know things will get worse before they get better but Oh My God!!!

First off I am not losing any weight depite the exercise increase, hoping this is just a mixture of more muscle mass from my work outs and being on my monthly, crossing all fingers the scale will soon start going in the right direction.

The main problem right now is work, it just plain sucks. For those of you who don't know, I am a carer in a residential home for the elderly, been doing this job for over 6 years and I really don't know why I still continue to put myself through it!
Right now the shit is hitting the fan (seems to happen about every 6months) and we are getting pulled over the coals left right and centre. Last time the night staff were not doing there job propperly, residents were not being washed well enough and job were just not being done or being done to a very poor standard. This both day and night staff had a bollocking for (I was not happy as I work days and I'm sorry but I do my job fairly well I think). As a result night staff no longer have the job of washing any residents, day staffs work load increases.
The complaint this time is the cleaning. Basic cleaning we have always done after caring for the resident but that is no longer good enough, every room now has to be done to show room standards, work load has increased yet again for day staff, Night staff do fuck all but answere bells, hover 2 rooms and watch TV all night. This morning we all spend far more time cleaning rooms than we did taking care of living, breathing people, I'm sorry is it just me that can see something wrong with this??? And if we are now doing the cleaning then what the fuck do they pay the cleaner for, and pay him more than the trained staff who have far more responcability. He cleanes toilets, we wash and dress frail and ill people, clean shit, perform emergency first aid, we care for the dying, those in pain, inform families that their loved ones have passed away, we have to watch those we have grown to love pass away infront of our eyes.

we all work bloody hard and we have our bosses come in and state that the staff are shit because one toilet was not clean enough. for fuck sake we work 12 hour shifts and hardly have breaks, all for 6 pounds a fucking hour. our residents are all clean, well fed, well cared for and happy, surely that is what is most important?! I am not getting paid for a training day I did last month because someone kindly said I didn't go, I fucking did!!

so sorry for the major rant but need to get it out of my head before I cry

hope you are all having a better day

xabbix