i've seen a vision

I've just seen her, not in a magazine or on the screen but walking along my road. The girl I want to look like. My living, breathing inspiration. My hight, maybe just an inch or two taller and although it was hidden I could still see. She has legs I could probably wrap my hands around and still touch finger tips, every step she took pushed her tiny thighs against the denim fabic, and just above the neck band of her over sized, baggy jumper I was able to catch glimpses of sharp spine pushing against her pale white skin. I can't tell if she is ana, or if she is maybe luckier than I too possess this frame naturally but I vow to do everything within my power to emulate!

xabbix

Tall as a giant....small as a mouse!

I bloody did it....don't know how but i did. But oh my it was hard work trekking up that mountain! the first 2 hours where ok, i was a little out of breath and my legs were starting to hurt but i could cope with that, the last 2 hours were such hard work, every step i took hurt and the rocky ground was difficult to climb over especially when it would move under our feet. I took this picture from half way up, after this was taken the heavens opened and we were pelted with freezing rain that felt like glass hitting my face and i kept being pushed back and sideways from the force of the winds. I always imagined walking though clouds to be like walking through fluffy candyfloss or cotton wool, well let me tell you it's not! but we made the top and were elated to do so. although very carefull once up there as told at the breifing before hand that when visibility is bad (which is most of the time up there) poeple have just walked off the edge and it's a 1000 ft drop before hitting the first ledge!! Not a good idea then! the views before the clouds envelped us were spectacular, not words or picture could ever do it justice.
Coming down was almost as hard as treking up hill, again everything moved under foot and the larger rocks and bolders had become extreamly slippery in the rain, but it only took 2 hours 20 minutes to decend then staight to the small pub (that resembled a stone shed) at the base of the mountain, i have never welcomed a pint of lager so much!

I could go on and on about this experience but i'm sure it must be a little boring to read, lets just say that despite only just reclaiming normal use of my legs (have been doing what they call the ben nevis shuffle since sunday) i have had the best weekend of my life. i'm fitter than i thoght i was (out of 84 people me and andy were the 23rd and 24th poeple to finish) and feel so much more confident in myself.....im already considering my next challenge for the alzheimers society, great wall of china or inca trail in Peru maybe?

On the down side of this week, yesterday i received a call to say that a friend i have worked with for the last 6 years had lost her battle with cancer. Having lost my cousin to cancer just a few months ago it hit me quite hard, i cried a LOT and wasn't sure if i was upset for me, or her, or her family. Im still not sure of this but do know that i'm happy she is no longer in any pain and that her family aren't watching her suffer any longer.

But in one phone call i had gone from feeling AS TALL AS A GIANT to feeling AS SMALL AS A MOUSE, and now i don't know what i feel about anything. i still feel like i want to be proud of myself but feel so guilty for doing so. I know Nat would have been proud of me so trying to keep hold of that!

xabbix

All Up Hill

So sorry it's taken me so long to post, been busy busy busy with work, our cook walked out on us and as i take his place on his days off, it was pretty much my job to fill in for him. I absolutely love to cook, although im not exactly the best at it the residents require propper home cooking which i can manage quite well. The down side to this is as a cook you kinda can't help tasting everything as you go and trust me, a teaspoon here and a nibble there soon mount up to a lot of calories even if you don't eat anything for the rest of the day. and it has weakened my will power big time!!!! during my last week off i was consentrating so hard on doing the best possible job i could on the wedding cake and of course on not eating any of it. The cake didn't look bad (despite a few bits im sure i could have done better and should have tried harder with), and i went the whole week without eating a single speck of icing. I will admit i did eat dome of the cake but promtly brought it back up again. then with nearly 2 weeks of cooking and picking at food i have managed to put on 2 pounds instead of loosing anything.

Im going to have to fight with myself to get back on track, need my will power back and my mind straight. next 2 days im going to have to eat the normal 1500-2000 cal, probably a lot more on saturday as im doing a charity trek to the top of Ben Nevis! for those of you who are from the US Ben Nevis is in scotland and is the highest mountain/peak we have in the UK. I don't mind telling you im more than a little scared at the idear of this and am not entirely sure what i was thinking when im applied for this. Doing it with a very good friend if mine, we leave to catch the train to glasgow at 5am tomorrow morning, 8 hours later we will be in Glasgow and waitting for the coach to take us on the 3hour trip to the base of the mountain. meal and breifing at the hotel before an early night and starting the trek saturday morning. Im going to die on this climb. There are a lot of hills to walk down here in devon but nothing like this and im still so unfit, half hour on my exercise bike leaves me panting.
Still it is for a very good cause (alzheimers society) and between andrew and myself we have raised 600 and still have people pledge donations. and although we will be snacking on the way up to keep energy leavel up i will be thinking of my legs and bum getting toned on the way up!

However once home on monday the diet and exercise will definatly be stepped up a few notches. skinny mini here i come!!!!!

xabbix