I will be a good LITTLE girl

Ok so today is a new me, of sorts. My diet from now on is 600-800 calories, no more than that. I am also doing away with the fast days. If it happens by accident then that's fine but none will be planned. have found after the last few weeks that when I fast then start eating again I tend to start binging, which then leads to purging. Neither is good for my health and doesn't help me to loose any weight so what's the point.

Haven't weighed myself for days, and have binged,purged and binged some more for 2 days so know I have put on but that's ok because I know that I can loose it and more. possitivity is a must now, no more getting upset if eat something fattening, just keep track of the calories. knowing that I get to eat bigger portions if it's healthy low fat low sugar food will help keep me away from anything bad for me, but also lessen the guilt if I give in to a craving.

Staying with 'A' again tonight, we have been making his costume for halloween (zombie schoolboy) so been dirtying/ripping and bloodying his shirt and I tried to practice a small cut on his hand in preperation for a huge one of his face saturday, what do you think for a first attempt?

Anyway that's all I got for tonight, sorry i've not commented on many of your blogs lately. \i have been reading but also feeling a little pathetic and sorry for myself so not had much of value to say.

Hope you are all well and staying strong

xabbix

the brownies were not worth it!

Not been a great day but could have been worse. Haven't weighed today as stayed with 'A' last night, DVD night at his and although I was offered I didn't eat the crisps/pasty/pork pie that he offered me. He did appologize for not having fruit or salad in the house. will weigh in the morning, crossing fingers that I have lost a little, even if it's just half a pound!

So I was at work today and the chef made this white fish flakes in a cheese sause thing and mushrooms and I couldn't resist trying it. Did look a little like vomit on a plate but my word that was some good shit. I only had a couple small spoons but whilst trying to savour it my boss walked into the kitchen, stopped in her tracks and stared at me as I was about to shove the spoon into my gaping mouth. The first thing she said was "what are you doing? you're eating! you DON'T eat!" I know that it was kinda good that she saw me, kinda proved that I do in fact eat (lets face it, if I didn't I would be super skinny instead of fantasticly fat!) but all I heard in my head as the words left her mouth was "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE EATING? YOU SHOULDN'T EAT! YOUR TOO FAT TO EAT!"
Lesson to me: don't let people see me eat anything but super healthy food to limit the guilt inside of me!

Anyway I got home from work to start a bit of a binge, guess I figured I had already let myself down with the fish and pure fat cheese sauce so why stop now? I had some chocolate (I could have probably got away with that), I then proceeded to make a tray of brownies....yes MAKE a tray of brownies, and then eat the lot! Followed quickly by a swift purge session of course and an hour on my exercise bike burning just 550 calories. I did have my ancle weights on though so hoping the real number is a bit higher. Back to the fast tomorrow, I really need to stick to it this time, wish me luck please I think I may need it!!!!!!!

keep strong and think thin ladies
xabbix

motivational quotes we can all use

"Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born."


"It's not the mistake that matters; it's how you deal with it, what you learn from it, and how you apply that lesson to your life."



Never give up on something if you think you can fight for it.
REMEMBER:
"its difficult to wait but it's more difficult when you regret."


The #1 reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten. :)


Faith is taking the first step even though you dont see the whole staircase.


The minute you think of giving up on any relation, think of the reason why you held it for so long


The winners of life's game aren't those who have never tasted failure. But, those who have tasted failure again and again but never give up.


It's never too late to do things properly.


You must make your own happiness wherever you are in your life, with what you have. No one is responsible for your happiness. If you're not happy, make changes.


Beautiful pictures are developed from
negatives in a dark room...So if you see darkness in your life be reassured that a beautiful picture is being prepared.


You can't go back in time.. Therefore you cant change the past.. So live up to the present and change the future instead..

feeling the burn in the wrong way!

I did weigh in the end this morning, just couldn't resist and amazingly I was lighter, by less that half a pound, but hey I will take what I can get!
Another bad food day today, too ashamed to list it this time, purged twice at work and again at home but still digested much more that I should have, and my god my throat is so painfull.

Tomorrow is a planned fast, as is wednesday but gonna try and do the tuesday too. will take extra diet pills and try to up the exercise tomorrow in an attempt to undo todays damage. Not quite at my target yet but only 2lb till I reach a 2 stone loss since the start of this blog, just have to stop sabotagging myself, anyone would think I liked being fat the way i've been stuffing my face.

Got to keep my favorite quote in my head. . . . . .

PERFECTION IS NOT WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO GAIN BUT WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!

hope you are all doing well and staying strong

xabbix

gluttony

I have eaten so much today it's revolting, i'm revolting, the size of my body it revolting. I purged twice but still continued to eat. I've calculated it as 1700 cals, would have been more like 2500 without the purge so saved myself a few calories but my word, i've just not stopped.
Do you want the list?

2 weatabix with skimmed milk
4 breakfast biscuits (purged)
2 cupcakes (purged)
1 tin of veg soup with 6 Ryvita (purged)
Chicken breast with salad
1 mango
8 breakfast biscuits

I have made lunch to take with me to work tomorrow, chicken salad. Counting it as 300 but it is less than that. will also take an apple (70) but nothing else can be eaten. I will have put on a minimum of 2lb by morning but refusing to weigh till monday at least, seeing the numbers going up and the damage i've done will be too depressing to view. If nothing else I hope that my metabolism will have sped up with this feast and I will lose the added weight again soon.
I am so disappointed in myself I need to be punished!!

xabbix

long and slow but on the right track

It's 7.30am here and I have been up for an hour, it's my bloody day off too and any normal person would still be sleeping....oh yeah, i'm not really that normal!

I've just weighed and finally I am under 120!!!!
4 pounds away from my 3rd target and think it's going to be a slow slog but I will get there eventually. BMI is finally under 22 as well, not been that for about 2 years so happy happy happy.

I will be making cupcakes for the staff at work today, it will keep me busy and hopefully cheer everyone up at work tomorrow. It's an extra shift for me tomorrow, which I don't normally mind. Extra money comes in handy and keeps me busy and active instead of staying home and being a lazy, fat slob. What I don't like is that I will be boss for 12 hours! Now I can do this, I've done it many times before, but I don't like it. The buck stops with me, if someone is ill or has an accident it's up to me to deal with doctors or 999 calls. And family of residents can often be hard to handle if everything is not as they want it. God I hate being the releif senior carer!!!!

That's enough rambling from me, off to take my measurements (like to keep track of progress this way every few weeks) then, shower and onto my cranberry and white chocolate cupcakes, gonna take will power not to eat these so will have safe food on the table incase of emergency!

xabbix

a little pick me up to aid the fast

hospital stoped me eating

Today has been a good day, worked for 6 hours walking with my new ankle weights on, hoping they are helping to burn a few more calories whilst walking around work and climbing those stairs so many times. Don't want to gain leg muscle but want to burn calories and try not to lose what little muscles I do have.

I had a small salad with fat free cottage cheese for lunch (100) and then had to go to the hospital with a resident who is ill with an infection. This was obviously not good for her but it did mean an hour trip in an ambluance, 2 hours at the hospital with her then 1 hour ride home again. Means that I wasn't near any of the food that would normally be testing my will power at work. I am now home an hour earlier than normal and will not eat anything before bed. Result.....100 calories consumed in 2 days and me feeling very very pleased with myself!

I decided on tuesday that I would fast for 3 days every week, MONDAY, WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY, which means that after a fast tomorrow I will have had just 100 in 3 days, If I manage it I will be one happy girl!!

so far so good

Today has so far been a better day, nothing but coffee has passed my lips (and 2 sugar free mints) and I'm feeling nicely empty. Think i'm going to be having an earlyish night tonight in an attempt to bypass any cravings this evening. Weighed this morning and hadn't lost the 1lb I had gained but also not gained again so I'm happy with that and can't wait to weigh again in the morning.

The plan tomorrow is to stick to 200cals, maybe 300 at a push but only clean foods. doing 12 hour shift tomorrow and friday which is always hard where food is concerned as it's always around, but think I can be strong. And on the plus side it means I will be active all day as my work is quite physical, so that will be all my calories worked off and more!

I had a parcel in the post today that got me excited, 2 1lb ankle weights. These should help me burn more calories as usual without putting in any more effort (how lazy am I?) and easy to hide under my trousers so no one will know. Hope to increase the wights gardually as my muscles get used to them. Fingers crossed.

Feeling more possitive today which has been most welcome as I am more motivated. sorry for the recent depressed posts, hope you have found this a little better to read,

Hope you are all staying strong and thinking thin

xabbix

I need bones

Things are just not happening fast enough, I want to see my ribs sticking out, I want my hip bones to protrude from my side, I want my spine to visibly run down my back like a ladder, I want....no, I need to see my bones!

Iv been sticking to 500 calories last few days yet today I still managed to weigh in at a lb heavier. If 1lb of fat=3500cals how can that be possible? I can't remember the last time I fasted so tomorrow nothing but coffee and water can pass my lips. I need this weight to come off quicker.

I am so fed up with being fat, so fed up with thinking of food every minute of everyday. All the time I have thoughts running through my head....Is she bigger than me, what does she eat, what doesn't she eat, what can I eat next, what am I not aloud to eat, how can I stop myself, how many calories have I had, how many are in that, what's the fat content, how much sugar. So many numbers rolling around my little, simple brain they make me dizzy. I am always so scared that tomorrow will be the day that I let it all fall around my feet and the control will be gone.

I want skinny so bad and i'm terrified i'm failing. You all seem so much stronger than I, I feel like a fraud!

Dark day

This will be dull so I won't blame you all if you leave now!

Not been the best of days today, not for any valid reason, just one of those days when it seems that a dark cloud is following me around with the constant threat of a downpour. Tried my hardest to keep smiling and laughing at work as usual, but in the 11th hour there I just didn't have the energy and the mask slipped from my face. It didn't go unnoticed but i'm not sure I really care!

Ate more than planned at work:-
Breakfast biscuits x4 (228) planned
Large sharon fruit x1 (137) planned
Scrambled egg (400?)Unplanned
Grapes (60) Unplanned
TOTAL = (825)
This I am so not pleased with, have stuck to 4-500 calories for the past 5 days and today was ment to be the same. GOT to do better tomorrow, just have to.

On a better note I really want to say a really thank you to all of my followers and to everyone that I am following. I started a blog a few years back but never stuck to it. I'm so glad I have this time as not only is it helping me to stay strong when i'm not doing so well, but for the first time in my life I feel that I actually belong somewhere and that is very much down to all of you lovely, beautiful people.

Sending you all love and skinny thoughts

xabbix

25 things about me

I want to start by thanking everyone who commented on my last post, you are all truely beautiful people.

This is an idea created by beth, thought I would give it a go,
Ok 25 things about me

1-I have a bee/wasp phobia, something that gets quite a few laughs from friends in the summer after watching me screaming and flapping whilst in a full sprint.

2-I have a bladder the size of a walnut. Seriously I can not go more than an hour without having to pee and my first thought before going anywhere is will there be toilets? very annoying.

3-I love reptiles and Breed Leopard Geckos at home. I have one mating pair (Max 4yrs and Amber 3yrs), and a male albino leopard (Benni 18months and max and ambers first born).

4-I hate christmas, but can not resist hand making my xmas cards each year and filling them with sweets and chocolates, just like making people smile.

5-I enjoy nothing more than being outside and with nature, always looking forward to my next long walk or next trip out on the kayak. I also own a pair of jumping stilts (also known as pro jump stilts), they are great fun. I can walk well on them and do little jogs but nothing like you would see on youtube unfortunately.

6-I am addicted to Gilmore Girls, I want to have Lorelai's quick wit and Rory's pretty face and tiny frame.

7-I am a published poet, Had 10 poems printed in verious books so far but nothing recently, going through a bit of a block. would one day like to have a poetry book of my own published.

8-My life dream is to own my own a small holding. I want to raise my own animals, pigs/ sheep/ chickens, I want a donkey and the biggest veg patch. I'm not veggie but don't really eat meat either. I don't like to buy meat often as don't know the conditions in which the animal lived, if i raise my own at least I know it was loved (thats if I could eat it at all after caring for it)

9-Horror films are the best, nothing better than being scared out of your skin (although it's very rare to find a good horror these days)

10-Favoite comedians are Billy Connolly, Tim Minchin (if you don't know him look him up on youtube, brilliant), Lee Evens, Bill Bailey. I do love to laugh, it makes my heart feel lighter.

11-The best part of my job is when a resident has passed away and we have to lay out the body, I know how morbid this sounds and not something one should actually enjoy but it's not like that. I've seen people physically pass away and you can see them leave, there face and there body changes. Laying them out is special, especially if it's someone you are very fond of. washing them, laying them in clean sheets and brushing their hair, these are the last things I will ever do for these wonderfull people and I feel privileged to do it.

12-I am a caffine addict and feel very ill without it

13-I am a terrible dancer, just have no rhythm and can't move so I just gave up trying.

14-I live in organised chaos. My flat isn't tidy, I do however know where everything is and if someone was to come in and move something I would know instantly. Just wish I kept things a bit neater but never had it in me.

15-Thunder and lightning make me smile like nothing else

16-Looking up at the stars scares me, my mind starts wondering to what's out there and how can space have no start and no end? I already feel very small in this big world but Looking at the stars makes me feel incredibly insignificant.

17-I want to weigh as little as possible when I die, for myself but also because I feel really sorry for who ever ends up carrying my coffin!

18-I love elephants

19-I sucked my thumb till I was 12 and have always twisted my hair around my fingers, especially when i'm tired. in photos of me as a child I have boys haircuts because I would twist my hair so tight I pulled it out. I still twist a lot and can't get to sleep without my hair in my fingers and my mouth covered by my duvet.

20-my favorite flowers are Lillies

21-I've never had a long term relationship or serious boyfriend. Think i'm affraid of commitment and don't like people getting too close and knowing the real me. Short term flings and one night stands have been my limit.

22- I would love a family of my own but terrified that it is never going to happen. I'm pretty sure I will die alone and childless.

23-I hate exercise, it's just so boring but try to push myself to do it when I can, although i'm not very dedicated.

24-I love almonds and anything almond flavoured. Marzipan is the most amazing food every (I just don't let myself eat any of it anymore which is sooooo hard, I miss it)

25-i'm not your typical girl, I hate clothes shopping as everything looks horrlble on my short, fat frame. But I hate shopping for shoes more. I tend to stick to about 2-3 pairs of shoes (wearing my trainers most days) and only buy new when the old are falling apart.


So there we are, sorry this has been so boring but I really am a very boring person.

xabbix

my before and now pictures

should be sleeping now as up in 5 hours for work but wanted to do this before I lost my nerve, sorry about the picture quality......

me at 13stone before the diet

me now

both pics equally as horrible but hope to improve on the last

xabbix

not too bad so far

Just a quick post as back out in a few minutes

Firstly thankyou to Fatpiggy and Sam for your comments, @Fat Piggy picks will be up in a day or two hopefully.

The visit to mums went well, she loved the cake and surprise visit which was good, and yes I did have some cake but only because when I said no 'A' replied with "yes she WILL have some" and gave me a look, so I had a very small piece. I'm estermating it at 600 calories which is a gross over estermate but may help keep things under control for the rest of the evening.
And mum did notice that I had lost weight, she said I have lost a lot of weight but thankfully was pleased for me (and envious as she is still putting on) so I was happy with that and feel safe in loosing more without her becoming suspicous.

Now i'm off out to the fair which could prove harder work where food is concerned. Both 'A' and 'M' are planning to not only eat at the fair but also eat at McDonalds on the way home....gonna need luck with this one as prob only get away with not eating once. 'A' has been with me all day so knows i'v only had the small bit of cake, figure if i wait till way home to eat then I can only have a little then close enough to home to purge once i'm back!!!!

Please, powers that be, help me to resist all that yummy food tonight, im fed up of being the great fat lump I see in the mirror every day

xabbix

I wonder if they will notice....

Ok so i'm off to see my mum and one of my sisters today. It's been almost a month since i saw my sis and must be about 2 months since i saw my mum, will be intersting to see if either of them notice/comment on the weight loss.
This could also be a challenge, it's mums birthday this weekend but im working, hence the visit today instead and she loves my cakes so made one yesterday for her birthday

The problem is that when i made her a cake last year she made me have a slice, and her slices are NOT small. Gonna try the "I ate loads whilst making it" excuse and see where that gets me.

Then after seeing my family I am off to a carnival in Cornwall with a few friends, this is when my will power must be strong, there will be so many fast food stalls and sweets around me. My friend 'A' knows i'm on a diet but he's always telling me i'm fine as i am (code for "yes you are over weight but don't worry about it") and saying the thing I really hate as it tends to stick in my head "just one won't hurt", god i can't stand it when people say that to me. YES IT WILL HURT BACUSE ONCE I START I WILL NOT STOP!

Please wish me luck

xabbix

P.S I have been thinking about putting up before and after pictures but really scared about doing it. At my heaviest I was 13stone/182lbs which is big as i'm only 5ft 1" i'm very ashamed.
But my after pic is the one i'm most scared of, i'm not slim yet, my thighs still very much meet when my feet are together, i still have quite a stomach on me and I hate my bingo wings. But hoping that putting it on here for all to see will enourage me to keep loosing.....watch this space!

thinspo pics-can't get enough!!!

Natural Beauty

Just thought i would share a poem i wrote a few years back, not my best work by far but still, i tried



How did you get broken
Beautiful china doll
Your porcelain skin
Now so full of sin
And secrets that nobody knows

How did you get spoiled
Beautiful china doll
Your once silky locks
Now tied up in knots
That hide unspeakable things from the world

How did you get so scared
Beautiful china doll
Your fresh little face
Once showed so much grace
Now with wounds that will bleed with a touch

How did you get so sad
Beautiful china doll
Your eyes full of tears
Can't banish your fears
Or the pain that won't remain hidden

*yey*

Although i have had a bad week food wise, i have still managed to lose 4lb this week. This means i have now reached my second target weight yey, now a little happier with myself.

On the down side i'm feeling a little poorly with a horrible cold (I love autumn but dislike the viruses that fly round and working in a care home i can be sure to come down with something), and i'm hating work at the moment and am really trying to remember what it was i used to love about it. I do love the residents i look after (well....the majority) but they are driving me nuts recently and it's not even a full moon yet.

Think i just need some excitment in my life, I don't seem to have anything to look forward to anymore and diet aside, I don't have anything to challenge me and my mind, I am in serious need of some mental stimulation!

I'm scared of failing

My day off today has done me good i think, at weigh in this morning i was 2 pound lighter which is ace and very unexpected (and that was before last nights laxative had taken efect) and sorry to be a little gross but have have spent a lot of today racing to and from the toilet so really hping i'm back to where i was before the binging at the weekend. Will find out after weighing in the morning.
Managed to stay at 550cals today, actually feeing quite proud of that even though it could have been better. But it's the next 2 day i'm really worried about. Back at work in the morning to face more food I really don't want to eat, but will power is so bad when doing 12 hour shifts that i'm terrified it will spark a bing again. The manager is there till 5pm on week days so no chance of disappearing to purge if my resistnce fails me.
I need her back, that voice inside my head, my internal monolog that guides and helps me when ever calories are calling to me. I've asked her nicely to come home, i've pleaded and begged. I've cried and screamed and thrown internal tantrums but she is missing and I don't know what I did to drive her away!

xabbix

oh my god i'm fat!!

It's that time of the month i dread. I'm fat, bloated and just want to eat everything in sight, and nearly have. On saturday I binged at work in full view of every one and felt so revolting because of it. Managed to slip off and purge not once, not twice but three times. Each time I felt empty and clean afterwards, then proceeded to eat more. Everytime returning to the kitchen and grabbing yet another handfull of biscuits, bowls full mince that was being served for lunch, cake made for the afternoon teas, it just never stopped.

The same thing happened on sunday but without the purging as i was unable to disappear without being missed, then once home from work I went out and picked up a take away and agin no purge as didn't have the energy. How could I possibly have ther energy for the walk into town to get food but not to put my fingers down my throat to undo the damage!!

Yesterday was a better day, 3 hour walk, 500 calories carb free. Made me feel a little better about myself but it just wasn't enough. 3lb heavier this morning and just didn't keep it up today, must have consumed at least 1500 cals, im so bad at this, just can't get back on track. hoping the laxatives i've just taken will help get rid some of it, got to start thinking thin again, must get myself thin again!!!!

So sorry about this rant, so sorry about being me full stop.