Merry christmas everyone, hope you have all servived and hopefully had lots of fun.
I myself have put the diet on hold till wednesday, that's not to say i am binging in the sense that i'm eating everything in sight. But I am not depriving myself of anything if I want it, just sticking to the meals that my family are having. I feel good not having to restrict for a few days and having the pressure off myself, but my god I am feeling fat as a house and my inside feel dirty! I am looking forward to getting back home tomorrow night and going back to my good, healthy clean food from wednesday morning.
The last 2 days have taught me well, I have again learn't how bad I feel physically, eating like most people do without giving a thought to what is going into their bodies and I don't like it. Although when restricting I tend to crave food I should not eat but at least now I can think back to this xmas and remember how gross I feel having all this stodge just sitting in my gut and rotting me from the inside out!
if I can keep this in mind then new year should start with a big kick up my ass as far as food is concerned....bring it on I say!!!
xabbix
LilySlim Weight loss tickers
Monday 26 December 2011
Thursday 22 December 2011
not good!
So sorry I have been absent for a while, internet is down so no longer have regular access, will try to get it sorted asap.
I'm not doing great, xmas seems to be screwing me over big time, still at 112 but holding onto that by a shoe string! I need to pull myself together and start being very very strict with myself.
None of my friends seem to understand how i'm feeling, one asked me yesterday what's wrong with me? why am I suddenly so body conscious?
My mum said she can't beleive how much weight I have lost and not to lose any more! I'm only just fitting into uk size 8 so don't get what the big deal is??? and If I keep eating like I have been then the size 8 will soon be pushed to the back of the waldrobe again. Arghhh that just can not happen! new year I am turning veggie and having no more than 500 calories a day and joing the gym. Yeah I am in pain and the exercise will make it worse but it will all be worth it in the end!
Sometimes I do wonder if it's really worth the effort, if life in general is worth the constant struggle when throwing in the towel is so much simpler! I just long for the day when I can look in the mirror with feeling like a fat horrible evil cow that isn't worth the air that I breath.
I really hope you are all well and staying strong during this hard time of year
love you all
xabbix
I'm not doing great, xmas seems to be screwing me over big time, still at 112 but holding onto that by a shoe string! I need to pull myself together and start being very very strict with myself.
None of my friends seem to understand how i'm feeling, one asked me yesterday what's wrong with me? why am I suddenly so body conscious?
My mum said she can't beleive how much weight I have lost and not to lose any more! I'm only just fitting into uk size 8 so don't get what the big deal is??? and If I keep eating like I have been then the size 8 will soon be pushed to the back of the waldrobe again. Arghhh that just can not happen! new year I am turning veggie and having no more than 500 calories a day and joing the gym. Yeah I am in pain and the exercise will make it worse but it will all be worth it in the end!
Sometimes I do wonder if it's really worth the effort, if life in general is worth the constant struggle when throwing in the towel is so much simpler! I just long for the day when I can look in the mirror with feeling like a fat horrible evil cow that isn't worth the air that I breath.
I really hope you are all well and staying strong during this hard time of year
love you all
xabbix
Saturday 3 December 2011
why can't I do this?
I am rubbish at SGD,
Day 1 should have been 400, I binged and ate a huge 1200! burn't 600 on the exercise bike.
Day 2 should have been 300, I stuck to 300 but only because I had the day off and spent 6 hours with a friend so only had coffee with him and fruit at home. burn't 300 on the bike
today, day 3 should have been 400, I had a massive 1500! purged what was left in my stomach when I got home from work but wasn't a lot then burn't 600 on the bike.
I need to do better than this. xmas meal is 2 weeks away and my dress is just about fitting around my belly and thighs, I need to lose and simply can not afford to gain. Weighed this morning and i'm back up to 113, this can't happen.
A big part of the problem is work, There is food every where (today I was the cook so it was even easier to cheat myself), I just don't seem to have any self control any more. it's also that time of the month again which always make me want to eat and sweet and stodgy food in particular.
I have just made food to take to work with me tomorrow, chopped cucumber and satsumas for snacking in the morning, bean salad for lunch and chopped mixed peppers and satsuma for snacking in the afternoon-550 calories and hopefully having this to hand will stop me reaching for the biscuits and cake like today, (although I must say that the sticky ginger cake with vanilla drizzle I made today was very yummy, wish I was a crap cook, it would be so much easier!)
If anyone has any tips for keeping motivated and in contol I would love to hear them. I have a picture of a skinny girl with awsome ribs as wall paper on my phone to look at, also write all my calorie intakes on my phone through out the day so I don't lose track. Try chewing gum to stop me eating but my jaw just ends up hurting after a few hours and the acid build up in my stomach makes me feel hungry, ant-acids only help for a short time....
I'm running out of ideas.
Tomorrow I will wear an elastic band round my wrist and snap it against my skin when ever I think about eating anything I shouldn't, try to train my brain to associate fat foods with pain.
fingers crossed and I hope you are doing a lot better that I currently am with your intakes
xabbix
Day 1 should have been 400, I binged and ate a huge 1200! burn't 600 on the exercise bike.
Day 2 should have been 300, I stuck to 300 but only because I had the day off and spent 6 hours with a friend so only had coffee with him and fruit at home. burn't 300 on the bike
today, day 3 should have been 400, I had a massive 1500! purged what was left in my stomach when I got home from work but wasn't a lot then burn't 600 on the bike.
I need to do better than this. xmas meal is 2 weeks away and my dress is just about fitting around my belly and thighs, I need to lose and simply can not afford to gain. Weighed this morning and i'm back up to 113, this can't happen.
A big part of the problem is work, There is food every where (today I was the cook so it was even easier to cheat myself), I just don't seem to have any self control any more. it's also that time of the month again which always make me want to eat and sweet and stodgy food in particular.
I have just made food to take to work with me tomorrow, chopped cucumber and satsumas for snacking in the morning, bean salad for lunch and chopped mixed peppers and satsuma for snacking in the afternoon-550 calories and hopefully having this to hand will stop me reaching for the biscuits and cake like today, (although I must say that the sticky ginger cake with vanilla drizzle I made today was very yummy, wish I was a crap cook, it would be so much easier!)
If anyone has any tips for keeping motivated and in contol I would love to hear them. I have a picture of a skinny girl with awsome ribs as wall paper on my phone to look at, also write all my calorie intakes on my phone through out the day so I don't lose track. Try chewing gum to stop me eating but my jaw just ends up hurting after a few hours and the acid build up in my stomach makes me feel hungry, ant-acids only help for a short time....
I'm running out of ideas.
Tomorrow I will wear an elastic band round my wrist and snap it against my skin when ever I think about eating anything I shouldn't, try to train my brain to associate fat foods with pain.
fingers crossed and I hope you are doing a lot better that I currently am with your intakes
xabbix
Wednesday 30 November 2011
here's to a fresh start!!
@Fat Piggy-thankyou for the support and enouraging words, I have rallied before and I can do it again, thankyou for helping me to see this.
@sunshine child-Thankyou also to you and your comment, I have looked at the 10 day challenge and will definately give it a go, although right now I feel like I need something with a longer commitment so have decided to start with the skinny girl diet.
So yeah today has been a good day, woke at 6.30am and instead of going back to bed and trying to ignore the world as I have been doing recently on days off from work, I got up, made coffe and was ready to leave the house at 8.30am, check me out lol.
I went to the supermarket to stock up on veggies and fruit, treated myself to a new perfume from town and some hot oil conditioners for my increasingly dry hair, new handbag ready for the xmas meal/party and new jacket to go with my dress (all I need now is shoes), finshed with a skinny late to drink on the walk home.
Since then I have got cracking on my xmas cards, I have made my own for the past 5 years so thought I had better keep up the traddition. They are handmade glittery card stockings with candy canes and I have mini pink and white candy canes to go inside the card so everyone gets a little treat, normally put in little chocolate coins but thought the canes would work better with the theme. Will take a picture when i'm done.
So tomorrow I am starting the Skinny Girl Diet, since this lasts for 30 days it will take me up to new year. I will allow a day off for the work meal but still try to keep my calories low. Also take a day off on boxing day as with my family but again try to keep the calories as long as I can get away with. I am working 12-4pm christmas day so can get away with it on the day that most people will be eating the most. the rest of the day I will be at home, alone, confident I can survive but won't beat myself up to much if I indulge a little, it is christmas after all.
As I will be cheating a few days I will do the SGD twice.
Please wish me luck
hope everyone is doing ok, this time of year is always hard for everyone, what with xmas and for those in the US who have thanks giving. Hope you can all stay strong, and if you are struggling with the food just try to enjoy what you are having and restrict when you feel strong enough. If your going to eat you as well enjoy it right??
xabbix
Tuesday 29 November 2011
I need to get a grip
I am sorry for being a little absent recently....it's just that I feel like I am going crazy. I know that you girls will understand, think you are the only ones who can and I have no one else to talk to.
I can't seem to get a handle on my emotions, or my eating or even what i'm thinking! one minute i'm crying like a baby, then i'm feeling really angry, then I don't feel anything at all, just kind of empty and numb. And as far as food is concerned, I know what I want to do, what I should be eationg to keep loosing weight but I can't seem to stick to it. lately i've been eating around 1000 calories instead of the 6-800 I planned to stick to, and other days i'm breaking 2000. I haven't exercised in over 2 weeks because my sciatica has flaired up so just walking is painful, and i'v been purging so much that now my stomach is being a bitch and holding onto the food making it so difficult to get even half up!
I seem to have maintained my weight over the last 2 weeks, still 112lbs but that's not good enough, I need it to go down and quickly. on the 17th december I have my work xmas meal, in a restaurant full of poeple, having to consume a 3 course fucking meal!!!!
ok I have picked my menue
*goats cheese salad
*monkfish in white wine sauce and veggies
*chocolate chip sundae
I have a size 8(uk) black and white dress to wear, will take a pic nearer the time to show you all if you like? It is now a bit baggy on top but just fits around my bum and thighs as these are my biggest problem (big in every way) but I feel like I need to be thinner, a lot!
any tips on fast weight loss with out actual fasting? fasts just lead to major binges and I can't afford to take the chance this close to the meal.
And on the medication front....I stopped taking the pills from the doc after just 3 days, They made it near on impossible for me to work as I felt drunk and like my head was working 30 seconds behind the rest of my body, and oh my they made me eat and eat and eat, nothing saticfied me and I had zero will power, think that's why i feel such a mess with food now because they destroyed my tolorance to hunger and killed my ability to restrict. he said to go back in 2 weeks to let him know how i'm getting on but naughty me isn't going back unless i'm dragged kicking and screaming. Not taking the chance of anything, chemical or other taking away my drive to lose weight
I want to be super skinny, I want to be light as a feather, I want to be barely here!
I can't seem to get a handle on my emotions, or my eating or even what i'm thinking! one minute i'm crying like a baby, then i'm feeling really angry, then I don't feel anything at all, just kind of empty and numb. And as far as food is concerned, I know what I want to do, what I should be eationg to keep loosing weight but I can't seem to stick to it. lately i've been eating around 1000 calories instead of the 6-800 I planned to stick to, and other days i'm breaking 2000. I haven't exercised in over 2 weeks because my sciatica has flaired up so just walking is painful, and i'v been purging so much that now my stomach is being a bitch and holding onto the food making it so difficult to get even half up!
I seem to have maintained my weight over the last 2 weeks, still 112lbs but that's not good enough, I need it to go down and quickly. on the 17th december I have my work xmas meal, in a restaurant full of poeple, having to consume a 3 course fucking meal!!!!
ok I have picked my menue
*goats cheese salad
*monkfish in white wine sauce and veggies
*chocolate chip sundae
I have a size 8(uk) black and white dress to wear, will take a pic nearer the time to show you all if you like? It is now a bit baggy on top but just fits around my bum and thighs as these are my biggest problem (big in every way) but I feel like I need to be thinner, a lot!
any tips on fast weight loss with out actual fasting? fasts just lead to major binges and I can't afford to take the chance this close to the meal.
And on the medication front....I stopped taking the pills from the doc after just 3 days, They made it near on impossible for me to work as I felt drunk and like my head was working 30 seconds behind the rest of my body, and oh my they made me eat and eat and eat, nothing saticfied me and I had zero will power, think that's why i feel such a mess with food now because they destroyed my tolorance to hunger and killed my ability to restrict. he said to go back in 2 weeks to let him know how i'm getting on but naughty me isn't going back unless i'm dragged kicking and screaming. Not taking the chance of anything, chemical or other taking away my drive to lose weight
I want to be super skinny, I want to be light as a feather, I want to be barely here!
Sunday 20 November 2011
welcome. . . thankyou. . . .and HELP!!!
First off may I please say a very welcome to all of my new followers, I am so pleased to have you here sharing my journing. I hope I don't bore you too much on my blog and hopefully we can all be of some help to each other.
Secondly a very big thank you to sunshinechild for featuring Me and My Bones on your own blog, have just read what you wrote about me and it brought a tear to my eye, you were so kind and you wrote it so beautifully. I love reading your blog and it's so nice to know that someone out there is enjoying reading mine. I am not always very quick about commenting and reading other blogs but I catch up as often as I can and will try to help anyone I can if they are in need.
And now onto myself. . . . I have already stopped taking the pills the doc gave me. I was waking up in the mornings feeling like I was somewhere else completely. It almost felt like I had stayed up all night and was high as a kite! Now this isn't something I would have complained about had I not struggled so much at work over the weekend. I was slow, peoples voices just weren't registering to my brian and my head seemed to be working at least 30 seconds behind the rest of my body, not good when lookinjg after the old and needing to be very alert!
The other big problem was they have given me a huge appitite ! ! I have spend the whole weekend eatting and eatting and eatting, Anything I lost in the week must have been put back on and more. I'm too scared to weigh myself.
I could really do with some help from all you lovely ladies, After all this food at the weekend I can really feel myself slipping into a downward spiral of greed and gluttony. I need to find a way to gain control, to stay strong, to speed up the weight loss before I throw in the towel and decide it's just not worth the effort anymore.
I don't claim to be ana or mia, although I dip in and out of their grasps from time to time. I diet in a way that most would frown at but it is a diet none the less.
I sometimes lay in bed at night and pray for ana to wrap her arms around me, squeeze the fat from my bones and to never let me go ! ! !
xabbix
Secondly a very big thank you to sunshinechild for featuring Me and My Bones on your own blog, have just read what you wrote about me and it brought a tear to my eye, you were so kind and you wrote it so beautifully. I love reading your blog and it's so nice to know that someone out there is enjoying reading mine. I am not always very quick about commenting and reading other blogs but I catch up as often as I can and will try to help anyone I can if they are in need.
And now onto myself. . . . I have already stopped taking the pills the doc gave me. I was waking up in the mornings feeling like I was somewhere else completely. It almost felt like I had stayed up all night and was high as a kite! Now this isn't something I would have complained about had I not struggled so much at work over the weekend. I was slow, peoples voices just weren't registering to my brian and my head seemed to be working at least 30 seconds behind the rest of my body, not good when lookinjg after the old and needing to be very alert!
The other big problem was they have given me a huge appitite ! ! I have spend the whole weekend eatting and eatting and eatting, Anything I lost in the week must have been put back on and more. I'm too scared to weigh myself.
I could really do with some help from all you lovely ladies, After all this food at the weekend I can really feel myself slipping into a downward spiral of greed and gluttony. I need to find a way to gain control, to stay strong, to speed up the weight loss before I throw in the towel and decide it's just not worth the effort anymore.
I don't claim to be ana or mia, although I dip in and out of their grasps from time to time. I diet in a way that most would frown at but it is a diet none the less.
I sometimes lay in bed at night and pray for ana to wrap her arms around me, squeeze the fat from my bones and to never let me go ! ! !
xabbix
Friday 18 November 2011
what a difference a month makes? new before/after pictures
me on 12th october 2011
me on 18 november 2011
I was really hoping that there would be more of a visible difference by now, but hey slow and steady wins the race right? Will be putting my next picture up at 105lbs (if I can see a change, maybe I will try 100lbs)
Well I went to the doc today, got a new GP and I must say I don't feel like I can really talk to him. I've been put back on happy pills, different ones this time but they should knock me out at night so hoping they will put an end to the waking up 4-5 times a night. Just hope that they don't leave me sleepy in the mornings too as I am gonna be at work 7 days straight this week, and I do long tiring days.
hope everyone is doing well on there own quest to thinness and perfection.
xabbix
me on 18 november 2011
I was really hoping that there would be more of a visible difference by now, but hey slow and steady wins the race right? Will be putting my next picture up at 105lbs (if I can see a change, maybe I will try 100lbs)
Well I went to the doc today, got a new GP and I must say I don't feel like I can really talk to him. I've been put back on happy pills, different ones this time but they should knock me out at night so hoping they will put an end to the waking up 4-5 times a night. Just hope that they don't leave me sleepy in the mornings too as I am gonna be at work 7 days straight this week, and I do long tiring days.
hope everyone is doing well on there own quest to thinness and perfection.
xabbix
weight is getting better....work is getting worse!
I stepped on the scales this morning for the first time in 3 days and i've lost 3lb, that is a better start to the day than i've had for a while. I didn't eat yesterday and not sure if I really want to eat today! I don't plan fasts anymore as they always seem to lead to a bing and purge session and i've doing that too much already without fasting, but yesterday I just couldn't face the thought of putting food, any food into my body.
I got to work yesterday morning to be told that one of the residents had complained to her daughter who then put in a complaint about me to the manager. I was in shock when I first heard as I haven't donething wrong, then one of the staff gave me a hug and I just broke down. I know this resident doesn't like me for some reason so for the last 3 months I have chosen to only help her with another carer, she just kept saying she would tell her daughter I was being nasty to her and wanted a little back up from someone else. Well on thursday when I wasn't there she told her daughter that when I put her to bed in the week her bed was wet from the night before, Apparently I told her I wouldn't change it and she just had to lie in it all night. I would never in a million years do that to anyone, the beds are changed every morning so it wouldn't have been wet and I only ever put her to bed with someone else with me but she still said it was just me. I told the manager I would no longer being helping her with anything and she agreed it was for the best, but the residents daughter still thinks I was that cruel, I hate when anyone thinks badly of me especially when I did nothing wrong!!!
I keep crying at everything at the moment, yesterday was the third time I have broken down at work. Think today I am going to try and see my doctor. I was on anti-depressants from the the age of 17-26, have gone 2 years trying to cope without them but now may the time I bit the bullet and gave in to their cemical help. sometimes it doesn't hurt to admitt when your struggling and if it makes me feel even just a little bit more human it will be worth it.
sorry for the boring posts lately, will try better next time I promise
xabbix
I got to work yesterday morning to be told that one of the residents had complained to her daughter who then put in a complaint about me to the manager. I was in shock when I first heard as I haven't donething wrong, then one of the staff gave me a hug and I just broke down. I know this resident doesn't like me for some reason so for the last 3 months I have chosen to only help her with another carer, she just kept saying she would tell her daughter I was being nasty to her and wanted a little back up from someone else. Well on thursday when I wasn't there she told her daughter that when I put her to bed in the week her bed was wet from the night before, Apparently I told her I wouldn't change it and she just had to lie in it all night. I would never in a million years do that to anyone, the beds are changed every morning so it wouldn't have been wet and I only ever put her to bed with someone else with me but she still said it was just me. I told the manager I would no longer being helping her with anything and she agreed it was for the best, but the residents daughter still thinks I was that cruel, I hate when anyone thinks badly of me especially when I did nothing wrong!!!
I keep crying at everything at the moment, yesterday was the third time I have broken down at work. Think today I am going to try and see my doctor. I was on anti-depressants from the the age of 17-26, have gone 2 years trying to cope without them but now may the time I bit the bullet and gave in to their cemical help. sometimes it doesn't hurt to admitt when your struggling and if it makes me feel even just a little bit more human it will be worth it.
sorry for the boring posts lately, will try better next time I promise
xabbix
Sunday 13 November 2011
a little blue
I will appologise in advance for the following post:-
I don't really know whats wrong with me lately, I don't have a bad life really, things are good sometimes and not so good other times. It's swings and roundabouts, but isn't that what life is all about? They say you have to go through the bad times to fully apprieciate the good, I just wish the bad didn't last so long!
I'm just feeling a little blue and sorry for myself, can feel the black dog snapping at my heals with every pathetic step I take and as much as I would like to turn around and kick it square in the balls I don't have the energy any more. I have binged and perged a few times the last 2 days and not exercised tonight or friday night. The weight is slowly creeping back up, although it's just a few punds so far and instead of my clothes feeling tighter they are are actually starting to hang off me which is a little baffling!
Work is still shit and getting shitter but not much I do about that. Just keep my head down, do my work to the best of my ability and then fuck off home again. Home! Another place I don't want to be!
like I said i'm sorry for the post but feeling a little blue and don't have anyone else to talk to right now.
hope you are all doing well on your quest
stay skinny
xabbix
I don't really know whats wrong with me lately, I don't have a bad life really, things are good sometimes and not so good other times. It's swings and roundabouts, but isn't that what life is all about? They say you have to go through the bad times to fully apprieciate the good, I just wish the bad didn't last so long!
I'm just feeling a little blue and sorry for myself, can feel the black dog snapping at my heals with every pathetic step I take and as much as I would like to turn around and kick it square in the balls I don't have the energy any more. I have binged and perged a few times the last 2 days and not exercised tonight or friday night. The weight is slowly creeping back up, although it's just a few punds so far and instead of my clothes feeling tighter they are are actually starting to hang off me which is a little baffling!
Work is still shit and getting shitter but not much I do about that. Just keep my head down, do my work to the best of my ability and then fuck off home again. Home! Another place I don't want to be!
like I said i'm sorry for the post but feeling a little blue and don't have anyone else to talk to right now.
hope you are all doing well on your quest
stay skinny
xabbix
Friday 11 November 2011
At long bloody last
It's been a struggle, i've had my high days and some very low days but at long last I have weighted in at my next goal weight-115lbs.
To celebrate I brought myself some flowers, a mixture of yellow and burgendy roses (seens as no one every buys flowers for me this is really quite a treat-although I really wanted a huge slab of chocolate!)
I did a 12 hour shift yesterday after my 5 days off. We had a staff meeting, a complete waste of time in my opinion. They are pretty much a chance for day staff to slag off night staff and for nights to slag off days, how productive!!
Anyway I am out the back having a fag after meeting and a member of staff pulls me to one side for a quick chat. Aparently she is getting really worried because of the weight i've lost quite quickly (iv been dieting for nearly 4 months and they only just notice! I obviously am not doing well enough then am I!) She's been looking at posts on my facebook and noticed I was complaining of being in pain one night and not being able to sleep, so now i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm ill with some sort of disease but hiding it from everyone (this was all followed by a hug during which i'm sure she was feeling my shoulder blades which are stating to stick out quite a bit). The only thing i'm hiding is just how strict my diet is, this does not make me ill in any shape or form.
When I went back in everyone then started to say how much weight I had lost and "just don't lose any more". 'A' even said all I need to do now is stay healthy and tone up!!!! I mean for fuck sake.... He may as well have just said "yeah you've lost weight but still have quite a few flabby bits!"
Is it wrong to really want to try harder now to lose the weight because I have been told not to? I hate that they must have been talking about me whilst I was outside, but a big part of me now just wants to put two boney ffingers up to them and prove that no one tells me what to do or how little I can be . . . .God that sounds childish!
stay strong and think thin
together we will win
xabbix
To celebrate I brought myself some flowers, a mixture of yellow and burgendy roses (seens as no one every buys flowers for me this is really quite a treat-although I really wanted a huge slab of chocolate!)
I did a 12 hour shift yesterday after my 5 days off. We had a staff meeting, a complete waste of time in my opinion. They are pretty much a chance for day staff to slag off night staff and for nights to slag off days, how productive!!
Anyway I am out the back having a fag after meeting and a member of staff pulls me to one side for a quick chat. Aparently she is getting really worried because of the weight i've lost quite quickly (iv been dieting for nearly 4 months and they only just notice! I obviously am not doing well enough then am I!) She's been looking at posts on my facebook and noticed I was complaining of being in pain one night and not being able to sleep, so now i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm ill with some sort of disease but hiding it from everyone (this was all followed by a hug during which i'm sure she was feeling my shoulder blades which are stating to stick out quite a bit). The only thing i'm hiding is just how strict my diet is, this does not make me ill in any shape or form.
When I went back in everyone then started to say how much weight I had lost and "just don't lose any more". 'A' even said all I need to do now is stay healthy and tone up!!!! I mean for fuck sake.... He may as well have just said "yeah you've lost weight but still have quite a few flabby bits!"
Is it wrong to really want to try harder now to lose the weight because I have been told not to? I hate that they must have been talking about me whilst I was outside, but a big part of me now just wants to put two boney ffingers up to them and prove that no one tells me what to do or how little I can be . . . .God that sounds childish!
stay strong and think thin
together we will win
xabbix
Sunday 6 November 2011
damn body . . . . you WILL obey ! !
I was so hoping to reach my third target this morning, actually looking forward to weighing as been losing weight steadily and consistantly all week.
What did I find glaring up at me on the scales? HALF A FUCKING POUND HEAVIER THAN YESTERDAY!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO I want to cry, it's so close I can taste it, I can almost feel it in my well insulated bones sigh. . . . maybe tomorrow eh.
I'm hoping the waether is nice today, think me and 'A' will be going out for a walk, my idea, really need to melt away some of these calories. also fancy going swimming but me in swimwear is not pretty, more like a whale that can't swim. I really wish I had been born with just an ounze of grace .
Even these big boned woman do better than me !
stay strong and think skinning my lovely girls
xabbix
What did I find glaring up at me on the scales? HALF A FUCKING POUND HEAVIER THAN YESTERDAY!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO I want to cry, it's so close I can taste it, I can almost feel it in my well insulated bones sigh. . . . maybe tomorrow eh.
I'm hoping the waether is nice today, think me and 'A' will be going out for a walk, my idea, really need to melt away some of these calories. also fancy going swimming but me in swimwear is not pretty, more like a whale that can't swim. I really wish I had been born with just an ounze of grace .
stay strong and think skinning my lovely girls
xabbix
a rose amongst thorns
I just want to show my support for this beautiful girl, she is struggling with life and her last post scares me,
Those that follow her, please show her right now that we all care about her and every girl on here. To those that don't follow, please take a look at her blog, as we probably all know by now, a few kind words and make all the differnce on a difficult day
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.com/
I wish you and all of my followers strength in our struggles
I love you all
xabbix
Those that follow her, please show her right now that we all care about her and every girl on here. To those that don't follow, please take a look at her blog, as we probably all know by now, a few kind words and make all the differnce on a difficult day
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.com/
I wish you and all of my followers strength in our struggles
I love you all
xabbix
Saturday 5 November 2011
trying to stay strong
I'm sat at my laptop with sweat marks on my top, legs aching and trying to convince myself that it will all be worth the effort when i'm slim.
I just can't help wishing there was a simpler way. How do all those skinny girls I know and see walking around do it so easily? My younger sister has it so so easy. She eats what she likes, when she likes, doesn't do any real exercise and still she is a natural size 6 (uk size). It's just not fair that I have to work so hard and near enough starve myself and I'm not even an 8 yet!
Today is my first day of 5 days off from work and i'm going to have to be so careful not to over eat. I estimate that in an average 12 hour shift I burn around 1000 calories easy, so thats 5000 calories I won't be burning this week. Will have to up my exercise to try to compensate (and as I have already said I hate exercise and I really hate getting sweaty and feeling dirty) and try to only eat negative calories. I get bored when I'm not at work and that normally leads me to want to eat all day.
I want to eat right now! I want a big plate of something hot (not eaten a cooked meal for months), something stodgy and comforting. It's a good thing I know all too well how I will be feeling after doing that and it puts me off. Just want the feeling of hunger to go away for a bit, to not have the cravings to constantly fight against. I want an empty plate in front of me and not feel like i'm getting fatter with every bite. I want a normal, healthy relationship with food. But that means fat, and horrible guilt and people watching as I stuff my face with food that fat girls like me are not ment to touch.
I guess I'm just getting tired from the endless fight inside my head!
I refuse to give up!
I refuse to be that weak girl again!
I refuse to be beaten!
I promise to wake up each day a little smaller than the day before
I will win!
I just can't help wishing there was a simpler way. How do all those skinny girls I know and see walking around do it so easily? My younger sister has it so so easy. She eats what she likes, when she likes, doesn't do any real exercise and still she is a natural size 6 (uk size). It's just not fair that I have to work so hard and near enough starve myself and I'm not even an 8 yet!
Today is my first day of 5 days off from work and i'm going to have to be so careful not to over eat. I estimate that in an average 12 hour shift I burn around 1000 calories easy, so thats 5000 calories I won't be burning this week. Will have to up my exercise to try to compensate (and as I have already said I hate exercise and I really hate getting sweaty and feeling dirty) and try to only eat negative calories. I get bored when I'm not at work and that normally leads me to want to eat all day.
I want to eat right now! I want a big plate of something hot (not eaten a cooked meal for months), something stodgy and comforting. It's a good thing I know all too well how I will be feeling after doing that and it puts me off. Just want the feeling of hunger to go away for a bit, to not have the cravings to constantly fight against. I want an empty plate in front of me and not feel like i'm getting fatter with every bite. I want a normal, healthy relationship with food. But that means fat, and horrible guilt and people watching as I stuff my face with food that fat girls like me are not ment to touch.
I guess I'm just getting tired from the endless fight inside my head!
I refuse to give up!
I refuse to be that weak girl again!
I refuse to be beaten!
I promise to wake up each day a little smaller than the day before
I will win!
Wednesday 2 November 2011
feeling back on track
When I woke this morning I was back down to 119lbs, thank god for that. Not sure if it will still be the same tomorrow as had chocolate today on top of the 800cals I had allowed for the day (still aiming for 600-800 each day to keep matabolism ticking over) but hoping the 70mins (600) on my exercise bike with my ankle weights on has been enough to correct my little slip up. Not gonna get too down about it as no point, whats done is done and tomorrow is another day (and a 12 hour shift at work so god knows how many calories I will be burning there!!!).
I also had to put my bike on a harder setting as having it on 6 was getting far to easy, it's now set on 7 out of 8 settings so i'm quite pleased with that.
I am looking forward to getting paid on the 10th, gonna get myself heavier ankle weights, 1lb ones just don't feel heavy enough, 2lb for now will be good and just see how I get on with them. Can feel my legs getting more toned and as I have never had any muscle deffinition before it feels stange but I think I like it,
Hope you are all staying strong and thinking thin
xabbix
I also had to put my bike on a harder setting as having it on 6 was getting far to easy, it's now set on 7 out of 8 settings so i'm quite pleased with that.
I am looking forward to getting paid on the 10th, gonna get myself heavier ankle weights, 1lb ones just don't feel heavy enough, 2lb for now will be good and just see how I get on with them. Can feel my legs getting more toned and as I have never had any muscle deffinition before it feels stange but I think I like it,
Hope you are all staying strong and thinking thin
xabbix
Tuesday 1 November 2011
and so let the shit begin. . . . AGAIN!
Ok can I feel any worse than I do right now? Probably as I know things will get worse before they get better but Oh My God!!!
First off I am not losing any weight depite the exercise increase, hoping this is just a mixture of more muscle mass from my work outs and being on my monthly, crossing all fingers the scale will soon start going in the right direction.
The main problem right now is work, it just plain sucks. For those of you who don't know, I am a carer in a residential home for the elderly, been doing this job for over 6 years and I really don't know why I still continue to put myself through it!
Right now the shit is hitting the fan (seems to happen about every 6months) and we are getting pulled over the coals left right and centre. Last time the night staff were not doing there job propperly, residents were not being washed well enough and job were just not being done or being done to a very poor standard. This both day and night staff had a bollocking for (I was not happy as I work days and I'm sorry but I do my job fairly well I think). As a result night staff no longer have the job of washing any residents, day staffs work load increases.
The complaint this time is the cleaning. Basic cleaning we have always done after caring for the resident but that is no longer good enough, every room now has to be done to show room standards, work load has increased yet again for day staff, Night staff do fuck all but answere bells, hover 2 rooms and watch TV all night. This morning we all spend far more time cleaning rooms than we did taking care of living, breathing people, I'm sorry is it just me that can see something wrong with this??? And if we are now doing the cleaning then what the fuck do they pay the cleaner for, and pay him more than the trained staff who have far more responcability. He cleanes toilets, we wash and dress frail and ill people, clean shit, perform emergency first aid, we care for the dying, those in pain, inform families that their loved ones have passed away, we have to watch those we have grown to love pass away infront of our eyes.
we all work bloody hard and we have our bosses come in and state that the staff are shit because one toilet was not clean enough. for fuck sake we work 12 hour shifts and hardly have breaks, all for 6 pounds a fucking hour. our residents are all clean, well fed, well cared for and happy, surely that is what is most important?! I am not getting paid for a training day I did last month because someone kindly said I didn't go, I fucking did!!
so sorry for the major rant but need to get it out of my head before I cry
hope you are all having a better day
xabbix
First off I am not losing any weight depite the exercise increase, hoping this is just a mixture of more muscle mass from my work outs and being on my monthly, crossing all fingers the scale will soon start going in the right direction.
The main problem right now is work, it just plain sucks. For those of you who don't know, I am a carer in a residential home for the elderly, been doing this job for over 6 years and I really don't know why I still continue to put myself through it!
Right now the shit is hitting the fan (seems to happen about every 6months) and we are getting pulled over the coals left right and centre. Last time the night staff were not doing there job propperly, residents were not being washed well enough and job were just not being done or being done to a very poor standard. This both day and night staff had a bollocking for (I was not happy as I work days and I'm sorry but I do my job fairly well I think). As a result night staff no longer have the job of washing any residents, day staffs work load increases.
The complaint this time is the cleaning. Basic cleaning we have always done after caring for the resident but that is no longer good enough, every room now has to be done to show room standards, work load has increased yet again for day staff, Night staff do fuck all but answere bells, hover 2 rooms and watch TV all night. This morning we all spend far more time cleaning rooms than we did taking care of living, breathing people, I'm sorry is it just me that can see something wrong with this??? And if we are now doing the cleaning then what the fuck do they pay the cleaner for, and pay him more than the trained staff who have far more responcability. He cleanes toilets, we wash and dress frail and ill people, clean shit, perform emergency first aid, we care for the dying, those in pain, inform families that their loved ones have passed away, we have to watch those we have grown to love pass away infront of our eyes.
we all work bloody hard and we have our bosses come in and state that the staff are shit because one toilet was not clean enough. for fuck sake we work 12 hour shifts and hardly have breaks, all for 6 pounds a fucking hour. our residents are all clean, well fed, well cared for and happy, surely that is what is most important?! I am not getting paid for a training day I did last month because someone kindly said I didn't go, I fucking did!!
so sorry for the major rant but need to get it out of my head before I cry
hope you are all having a better day
xabbix
Thursday 27 October 2011
I will be a good LITTLE girl
Ok so today is a new me, of sorts. My diet from now on is 600-800 calories, no more than that. I am also doing away with the fast days. If it happens by accident then that's fine but none will be planned. have found after the last few weeks that when I fast then start eating again I tend to start binging, which then leads to purging. Neither is good for my health and doesn't help me to loose any weight so what's the point.
Haven't weighed myself for days, and have binged,purged and binged some more for 2 days so know I have put on but that's ok because I know that I can loose it and more. possitivity is a must now, no more getting upset if eat something fattening, just keep track of the calories. knowing that I get to eat bigger portions if it's healthy low fat low sugar food will help keep me away from anything bad for me, but also lessen the guilt if I give in to a craving.
Staying with 'A' again tonight, we have been making his costume for halloween (zombie schoolboy) so been dirtying/ripping and bloodying his shirt and I tried to practice a small cut on his hand in preperation for a huge one of his face saturday, what do you think for a first attempt?
Anyway that's all I got for tonight, sorry i've not commented on many of your blogs lately. \i have been reading but also feeling a little pathetic and sorry for myself so not had much of value to say.
Hope you are all well and staying strong
xabbix
Haven't weighed myself for days, and have binged,purged and binged some more for 2 days so know I have put on but that's ok because I know that I can loose it and more. possitivity is a must now, no more getting upset if eat something fattening, just keep track of the calories. knowing that I get to eat bigger portions if it's healthy low fat low sugar food will help keep me away from anything bad for me, but also lessen the guilt if I give in to a craving.
Staying with 'A' again tonight, we have been making his costume for halloween (zombie schoolboy) so been dirtying/ripping and bloodying his shirt and I tried to practice a small cut on his hand in preperation for a huge one of his face saturday, what do you think for a first attempt?
Anyway that's all I got for tonight, sorry i've not commented on many of your blogs lately. \i have been reading but also feeling a little pathetic and sorry for myself so not had much of value to say.
Hope you are all well and staying strong
xabbix
Tuesday 25 October 2011
the brownies were not worth it!
Not been a great day but could have been worse. Haven't weighed today as stayed with 'A' last night, DVD night at his and although I was offered I didn't eat the crisps/pasty/pork pie that he offered me. He did appologize for not having fruit or salad in the house. will weigh in the morning, crossing fingers that I have lost a little, even if it's just half a pound!
So I was at work today and the chef made this white fish flakes in a cheese sause thing and mushrooms and I couldn't resist trying it. Did look a little like vomit on a plate but my word that was some good shit. I only had a couple small spoons but whilst trying to savour it my boss walked into the kitchen, stopped in her tracks and stared at me as I was about to shove the spoon into my gaping mouth. The first thing she said was "what are you doing? you're eating! you DON'T eat!" I know that it was kinda good that she saw me, kinda proved that I do in fact eat (lets face it, if I didn't I would be super skinny instead of fantasticly fat!) but all I heard in my head as the words left her mouth was "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE EATING? YOU SHOULDN'T EAT! YOUR TOO FAT TO EAT!"
Lesson to me: don't let people see me eat anything but super healthy food to limit the guilt inside of me!
Anyway I got home from work to start a bit of a binge, guess I figured I had already let myself down with the fish and pure fat cheese sauce so why stop now? I had some chocolate (I could have probably got away with that), I then proceeded to make a tray of brownies....yes MAKE a tray of brownies, and then eat the lot! Followed quickly by a swift purge session of course and an hour on my exercise bike burning just 550 calories. I did have my ancle weights on though so hoping the real number is a bit higher. Back to the fast tomorrow, I really need to stick to it this time, wish me luck please I think I may need it!!!!!!!
keep strong and think thin ladies
xabbix
So I was at work today and the chef made this white fish flakes in a cheese sause thing and mushrooms and I couldn't resist trying it. Did look a little like vomit on a plate but my word that was some good shit. I only had a couple small spoons but whilst trying to savour it my boss walked into the kitchen, stopped in her tracks and stared at me as I was about to shove the spoon into my gaping mouth. The first thing she said was "what are you doing? you're eating! you DON'T eat!" I know that it was kinda good that she saw me, kinda proved that I do in fact eat (lets face it, if I didn't I would be super skinny instead of fantasticly fat!) but all I heard in my head as the words left her mouth was "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE EATING? YOU SHOULDN'T EAT! YOUR TOO FAT TO EAT!"
Lesson to me: don't let people see me eat anything but super healthy food to limit the guilt inside of me!
Anyway I got home from work to start a bit of a binge, guess I figured I had already let myself down with the fish and pure fat cheese sauce so why stop now? I had some chocolate (I could have probably got away with that), I then proceeded to make a tray of brownies....yes MAKE a tray of brownies, and then eat the lot! Followed quickly by a swift purge session of course and an hour on my exercise bike burning just 550 calories. I did have my ancle weights on though so hoping the real number is a bit higher. Back to the fast tomorrow, I really need to stick to it this time, wish me luck please I think I may need it!!!!!!!
keep strong and think thin ladies
xabbix
Monday 24 October 2011
motivational quotes we can all use
"Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born."
"It's not the mistake that matters; it's how you deal with it, what you learn from it, and how you apply that lesson to your life."
Never give up on something if you think you can fight for it.
REMEMBER:
"its difficult to wait but it's more difficult when you regret."
The #1 reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten. :)
Faith is taking the first step even though you dont see the whole staircase.
The minute you think of giving up on any relation, think of the reason why you held it for so long
The winners of life's game aren't those who have never tasted failure. But, those who have tasted failure again and again but never give up.
It's never too late to do things properly.
You must make your own happiness wherever you are in your life, with what you have. No one is responsible for your happiness. If you're not happy, make changes.
Beautiful pictures are developed from
negatives in a dark room...So if you see darkness in your life be reassured that a beautiful picture is being prepared.
You can't go back in time.. Therefore you cant change the past.. So live up to the present and change the future instead..
"It's not the mistake that matters; it's how you deal with it, what you learn from it, and how you apply that lesson to your life."
Never give up on something if you think you can fight for it.
REMEMBER:
"its difficult to wait but it's more difficult when you regret."
The #1 reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten. :)
Faith is taking the first step even though you dont see the whole staircase.
The minute you think of giving up on any relation, think of the reason why you held it for so long
The winners of life's game aren't those who have never tasted failure. But, those who have tasted failure again and again but never give up.
It's never too late to do things properly.
You must make your own happiness wherever you are in your life, with what you have. No one is responsible for your happiness. If you're not happy, make changes.
Beautiful pictures are developed from
negatives in a dark room...So if you see darkness in your life be reassured that a beautiful picture is being prepared.
You can't go back in time.. Therefore you cant change the past.. So live up to the present and change the future instead..
Sunday 23 October 2011
feeling the burn in the wrong way!
I did weigh in the end this morning, just couldn't resist and amazingly I was lighter, by less that half a pound, but hey I will take what I can get!
Another bad food day today, too ashamed to list it this time, purged twice at work and again at home but still digested much more that I should have, and my god my throat is so painfull.
Tomorrow is a planned fast, as is wednesday but gonna try and do the tuesday too. will take extra diet pills and try to up the exercise tomorrow in an attempt to undo todays damage. Not quite at my target yet but only 2lb till I reach a 2 stone loss since the start of this blog, just have to stop sabotagging myself, anyone would think I liked being fat the way i've been stuffing my face.
Got to keep my favorite quote in my head. . . . . .
PERFECTION IS NOT WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO GAIN BUT WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!
hope you are all doing well and staying strong
xabbix
Another bad food day today, too ashamed to list it this time, purged twice at work and again at home but still digested much more that I should have, and my god my throat is so painfull.
Tomorrow is a planned fast, as is wednesday but gonna try and do the tuesday too. will take extra diet pills and try to up the exercise tomorrow in an attempt to undo todays damage. Not quite at my target yet but only 2lb till I reach a 2 stone loss since the start of this blog, just have to stop sabotagging myself, anyone would think I liked being fat the way i've been stuffing my face.
Got to keep my favorite quote in my head. . . . . .
PERFECTION IS NOT WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO GAIN BUT WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!
hope you are all doing well and staying strong
xabbix
Saturday 22 October 2011
gluttony
I have eaten so much today it's revolting, i'm revolting, the size of my body it revolting. I purged twice but still continued to eat. I've calculated it as 1700 cals, would have been more like 2500 without the purge so saved myself a few calories but my word, i've just not stopped.
Do you want the list?
2 weatabix with skimmed milk
4 breakfast biscuits (purged)
2 cupcakes (purged)
1 tin of veg soup with 6 Ryvita (purged)
Chicken breast with salad
1 mango
8 breakfast biscuits
I have made lunch to take with me to work tomorrow, chicken salad. Counting it as 300 but it is less than that. will also take an apple (70) but nothing else can be eaten. I will have put on a minimum of 2lb by morning but refusing to weigh till monday at least, seeing the numbers going up and the damage i've done will be too depressing to view. If nothing else I hope that my metabolism will have sped up with this feast and I will lose the added weight again soon.
I am so disappointed in myself I need to be punished!!
xabbix
Do you want the list?
2 weatabix with skimmed milk
4 breakfast biscuits (purged)
2 cupcakes (purged)
1 tin of veg soup with 6 Ryvita (purged)
Chicken breast with salad
1 mango
8 breakfast biscuits
I have made lunch to take with me to work tomorrow, chicken salad. Counting it as 300 but it is less than that. will also take an apple (70) but nothing else can be eaten. I will have put on a minimum of 2lb by morning but refusing to weigh till monday at least, seeing the numbers going up and the damage i've done will be too depressing to view. If nothing else I hope that my metabolism will have sped up with this feast and I will lose the added weight again soon.
I am so disappointed in myself I need to be punished!!
xabbix
Friday 21 October 2011
long and slow but on the right track
It's 7.30am here and I have been up for an hour, it's my bloody day off too and any normal person would still be sleeping....oh yeah, i'm not really that normal!
I've just weighed and finally I am under 120!!!!
4 pounds away from my 3rd target and think it's going to be a slow slog but I will get there eventually. BMI is finally under 22 as well, not been that for about 2 years so happy happy happy.
I will be making cupcakes for the staff at work today, it will keep me busy and hopefully cheer everyone up at work tomorrow. It's an extra shift for me tomorrow, which I don't normally mind. Extra money comes in handy and keeps me busy and active instead of staying home and being a lazy, fat slob. What I don't like is that I will be boss for 12 hours! Now I can do this, I've done it many times before, but I don't like it. The buck stops with me, if someone is ill or has an accident it's up to me to deal with doctors or 999 calls. And family of residents can often be hard to handle if everything is not as they want it. God I hate being the releif senior carer!!!!
That's enough rambling from me, off to take my measurements (like to keep track of progress this way every few weeks) then, shower and onto my cranberry and white chocolate cupcakes, gonna take will power not to eat these so will have safe food on the table incase of emergency!
xabbix
I've just weighed and finally I am under 120!!!!
4 pounds away from my 3rd target and think it's going to be a slow slog but I will get there eventually. BMI is finally under 22 as well, not been that for about 2 years so happy happy happy.
I will be making cupcakes for the staff at work today, it will keep me busy and hopefully cheer everyone up at work tomorrow. It's an extra shift for me tomorrow, which I don't normally mind. Extra money comes in handy and keeps me busy and active instead of staying home and being a lazy, fat slob. What I don't like is that I will be boss for 12 hours! Now I can do this, I've done it many times before, but I don't like it. The buck stops with me, if someone is ill or has an accident it's up to me to deal with doctors or 999 calls. And family of residents can often be hard to handle if everything is not as they want it. God I hate being the releif senior carer!!!!
That's enough rambling from me, off to take my measurements (like to keep track of progress this way every few weeks) then, shower and onto my cranberry and white chocolate cupcakes, gonna take will power not to eat these so will have safe food on the table incase of emergency!
xabbix
Thursday 20 October 2011
hospital stoped me eating
Today has been a good day, worked for 6 hours walking with my new ankle weights on, hoping they are helping to burn a few more calories whilst walking around work and climbing those stairs so many times. Don't want to gain leg muscle but want to burn calories and try not to lose what little muscles I do have.
I had a small salad with fat free cottage cheese for lunch (100) and then had to go to the hospital with a resident who is ill with an infection. This was obviously not good for her but it did mean an hour trip in an ambluance, 2 hours at the hospital with her then 1 hour ride home again. Means that I wasn't near any of the food that would normally be testing my will power at work. I am now home an hour earlier than normal and will not eat anything before bed. Result.....100 calories consumed in 2 days and me feeling very very pleased with myself!
I decided on tuesday that I would fast for 3 days every week, MONDAY, WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY, which means that after a fast tomorrow I will have had just 100 in 3 days, If I manage it I will be one happy girl!!
I had a small salad with fat free cottage cheese for lunch (100) and then had to go to the hospital with a resident who is ill with an infection. This was obviously not good for her but it did mean an hour trip in an ambluance, 2 hours at the hospital with her then 1 hour ride home again. Means that I wasn't near any of the food that would normally be testing my will power at work. I am now home an hour earlier than normal and will not eat anything before bed. Result.....100 calories consumed in 2 days and me feeling very very pleased with myself!
I decided on tuesday that I would fast for 3 days every week, MONDAY, WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY, which means that after a fast tomorrow I will have had just 100 in 3 days, If I manage it I will be one happy girl!!
Wednesday 19 October 2011
so far so good
Today has so far been a better day, nothing but coffee has passed my lips (and 2 sugar free mints) and I'm feeling nicely empty. Think i'm going to be having an earlyish night tonight in an attempt to bypass any cravings this evening. Weighed this morning and hadn't lost the 1lb I had gained but also not gained again so I'm happy with that and can't wait to weigh again in the morning.
The plan tomorrow is to stick to 200cals, maybe 300 at a push but only clean foods. doing 12 hour shift tomorrow and friday which is always hard where food is concerned as it's always around, but think I can be strong. And on the plus side it means I will be active all day as my work is quite physical, so that will be all my calories worked off and more!
I had a parcel in the post today that got me excited, 2 1lb ankle weights. These should help me burn more calories as usual without putting in any more effort (how lazy am I?) and easy to hide under my trousers so no one will know. Hope to increase the wights gardually as my muscles get used to them. Fingers crossed.
Feeling more possitive today which has been most welcome as I am more motivated. sorry for the recent depressed posts, hope you have found this a little better to read,
Hope you are all staying strong and thinking thin
xabbix
The plan tomorrow is to stick to 200cals, maybe 300 at a push but only clean foods. doing 12 hour shift tomorrow and friday which is always hard where food is concerned as it's always around, but think I can be strong. And on the plus side it means I will be active all day as my work is quite physical, so that will be all my calories worked off and more!
I had a parcel in the post today that got me excited, 2 1lb ankle weights. These should help me burn more calories as usual without putting in any more effort (how lazy am I?) and easy to hide under my trousers so no one will know. Hope to increase the wights gardually as my muscles get used to them. Fingers crossed.
Feeling more possitive today which has been most welcome as I am more motivated. sorry for the recent depressed posts, hope you have found this a little better to read,
Hope you are all staying strong and thinking thin
xabbix
Tuesday 18 October 2011
I need bones
Things are just not happening fast enough, I want to see my ribs sticking out, I want my hip bones to protrude from my side, I want my spine to visibly run down my back like a ladder, I want....no, I need to see my bones!
Iv been sticking to 500 calories last few days yet today I still managed to weigh in at a lb heavier. If 1lb of fat=3500cals how can that be possible? I can't remember the last time I fasted so tomorrow nothing but coffee and water can pass my lips. I need this weight to come off quicker.
I am so fed up with being fat, so fed up with thinking of food every minute of everyday. All the time I have thoughts running through my head....Is she bigger than me, what does she eat, what doesn't she eat, what can I eat next, what am I not aloud to eat, how can I stop myself, how many calories have I had, how many are in that, what's the fat content, how much sugar. So many numbers rolling around my little, simple brain they make me dizzy. I am always so scared that tomorrow will be the day that I let it all fall around my feet and the control will be gone.
I want skinny so bad and i'm terrified i'm failing. You all seem so much stronger than I, I feel like a fraud!
Iv been sticking to 500 calories last few days yet today I still managed to weigh in at a lb heavier. If 1lb of fat=3500cals how can that be possible? I can't remember the last time I fasted so tomorrow nothing but coffee and water can pass my lips. I need this weight to come off quicker.
I am so fed up with being fat, so fed up with thinking of food every minute of everyday. All the time I have thoughts running through my head....Is she bigger than me, what does she eat, what doesn't she eat, what can I eat next, what am I not aloud to eat, how can I stop myself, how many calories have I had, how many are in that, what's the fat content, how much sugar. So many numbers rolling around my little, simple brain they make me dizzy. I am always so scared that tomorrow will be the day that I let it all fall around my feet and the control will be gone.
I want skinny so bad and i'm terrified i'm failing. You all seem so much stronger than I, I feel like a fraud!
Saturday 15 October 2011
Dark day
This will be dull so I won't blame you all if you leave now!
Not been the best of days today, not for any valid reason, just one of those days when it seems that a dark cloud is following me around with the constant threat of a downpour. Tried my hardest to keep smiling and laughing at work as usual, but in the 11th hour there I just didn't have the energy and the mask slipped from my face. It didn't go unnoticed but i'm not sure I really care!
Ate more than planned at work:-
Breakfast biscuits x4 (228) planned
Large sharon fruit x1 (137) planned
Scrambled egg (400?)Unplanned
Grapes (60) Unplanned
TOTAL = (825)
This I am so not pleased with, have stuck to 4-500 calories for the past 5 days and today was ment to be the same. GOT to do better tomorrow, just have to.
On a better note I really want to say a really thank you to all of my followers and to everyone that I am following. I started a blog a few years back but never stuck to it. I'm so glad I have this time as not only is it helping me to stay strong when i'm not doing so well, but for the first time in my life I feel that I actually belong somewhere and that is very much down to all of you lovely, beautiful people.
Sending you all love and skinny thoughts
xabbix
Friday 14 October 2011
25 things about me
I want to start by thanking everyone who commented on my last post, you are all truely beautiful people.
This is an idea created by beth, thought I would give it a go,
Ok 25 things about me
1-I have a bee/wasp phobia, something that gets quite a few laughs from friends in the summer after watching me screaming and flapping whilst in a full sprint.
2-I have a bladder the size of a walnut. Seriously I can not go more than an hour without having to pee and my first thought before going anywhere is will there be toilets? very annoying.
3-I love reptiles and Breed Leopard Geckos at home. I have one mating pair (Max 4yrs and Amber 3yrs), and a male albino leopard (Benni 18months and max and ambers first born).
4-I hate christmas, but can not resist hand making my xmas cards each year and filling them with sweets and chocolates, just like making people smile.
5-I enjoy nothing more than being outside and with nature, always looking forward to my next long walk or next trip out on the kayak. I also own a pair of jumping stilts (also known as pro jump stilts), they are great fun. I can walk well on them and do little jogs but nothing like you would see on youtube unfortunately.
6-I am addicted to Gilmore Girls, I want to have Lorelai's quick wit and Rory's pretty face and tiny frame.
7-I am a published poet, Had 10 poems printed in verious books so far but nothing recently, going through a bit of a block. would one day like to have a poetry book of my own published.
8-My life dream is to own my own a small holding. I want to raise my own animals, pigs/ sheep/ chickens, I want a donkey and the biggest veg patch. I'm not veggie but don't really eat meat either. I don't like to buy meat often as don't know the conditions in which the animal lived, if i raise my own at least I know it was loved (thats if I could eat it at all after caring for it)
9-Horror films are the best, nothing better than being scared out of your skin (although it's very rare to find a good horror these days)
10-Favoite comedians are Billy Connolly, Tim Minchin (if you don't know him look him up on youtube, brilliant), Lee Evens, Bill Bailey. I do love to laugh, it makes my heart feel lighter.
11-The best part of my job is when a resident has passed away and we have to lay out the body, I know how morbid this sounds and not something one should actually enjoy but it's not like that. I've seen people physically pass away and you can see them leave, there face and there body changes. Laying them out is special, especially if it's someone you are very fond of. washing them, laying them in clean sheets and brushing their hair, these are the last things I will ever do for these wonderfull people and I feel privileged to do it.
12-I am a caffine addict and feel very ill without it
13-I am a terrible dancer, just have no rhythm and can't move so I just gave up trying.
14-I live in organised chaos. My flat isn't tidy, I do however know where everything is and if someone was to come in and move something I would know instantly. Just wish I kept things a bit neater but never had it in me.
15-Thunder and lightning make me smile like nothing else
16-Looking up at the stars scares me, my mind starts wondering to what's out there and how can space have no start and no end? I already feel very small in this big world but Looking at the stars makes me feel incredibly insignificant.
17-I want to weigh as little as possible when I die, for myself but also because I feel really sorry for who ever ends up carrying my coffin!
18-I love elephants
19-I sucked my thumb till I was 12 and have always twisted my hair around my fingers, especially when i'm tired. in photos of me as a child I have boys haircuts because I would twist my hair so tight I pulled it out. I still twist a lot and can't get to sleep without my hair in my fingers and my mouth covered by my duvet.
20-my favorite flowers are Lillies
21-I've never had a long term relationship or serious boyfriend. Think i'm affraid of commitment and don't like people getting too close and knowing the real me. Short term flings and one night stands have been my limit.
22- I would love a family of my own but terrified that it is never going to happen. I'm pretty sure I will die alone and childless.
23-I hate exercise, it's just so boring but try to push myself to do it when I can, although i'm not very dedicated.
24-I love almonds and anything almond flavoured. Marzipan is the most amazing food every (I just don't let myself eat any of it anymore which is sooooo hard, I miss it)
25-i'm not your typical girl, I hate clothes shopping as everything looks horrlble on my short, fat frame. But I hate shopping for shoes more. I tend to stick to about 2-3 pairs of shoes (wearing my trainers most days) and only buy new when the old are falling apart.
So there we are, sorry this has been so boring but I really am a very boring person.
xabbix
This is an idea created by beth, thought I would give it a go,
Ok 25 things about me
1-I have a bee/wasp phobia, something that gets quite a few laughs from friends in the summer after watching me screaming and flapping whilst in a full sprint.
2-I have a bladder the size of a walnut. Seriously I can not go more than an hour without having to pee and my first thought before going anywhere is will there be toilets? very annoying.
3-I love reptiles and Breed Leopard Geckos at home. I have one mating pair (Max 4yrs and Amber 3yrs), and a male albino leopard (Benni 18months and max and ambers first born).
4-I hate christmas, but can not resist hand making my xmas cards each year and filling them with sweets and chocolates, just like making people smile.
5-I enjoy nothing more than being outside and with nature, always looking forward to my next long walk or next trip out on the kayak. I also own a pair of jumping stilts (also known as pro jump stilts), they are great fun. I can walk well on them and do little jogs but nothing like you would see on youtube unfortunately.
6-I am addicted to Gilmore Girls, I want to have Lorelai's quick wit and Rory's pretty face and tiny frame.
7-I am a published poet, Had 10 poems printed in verious books so far but nothing recently, going through a bit of a block. would one day like to have a poetry book of my own published.
8-My life dream is to own my own a small holding. I want to raise my own animals, pigs/ sheep/ chickens, I want a donkey and the biggest veg patch. I'm not veggie but don't really eat meat either. I don't like to buy meat often as don't know the conditions in which the animal lived, if i raise my own at least I know it was loved (thats if I could eat it at all after caring for it)
9-Horror films are the best, nothing better than being scared out of your skin (although it's very rare to find a good horror these days)
10-Favoite comedians are Billy Connolly, Tim Minchin (if you don't know him look him up on youtube, brilliant), Lee Evens, Bill Bailey. I do love to laugh, it makes my heart feel lighter.
11-The best part of my job is when a resident has passed away and we have to lay out the body, I know how morbid this sounds and not something one should actually enjoy but it's not like that. I've seen people physically pass away and you can see them leave, there face and there body changes. Laying them out is special, especially if it's someone you are very fond of. washing them, laying them in clean sheets and brushing their hair, these are the last things I will ever do for these wonderfull people and I feel privileged to do it.
12-I am a caffine addict and feel very ill without it
13-I am a terrible dancer, just have no rhythm and can't move so I just gave up trying.
14-I live in organised chaos. My flat isn't tidy, I do however know where everything is and if someone was to come in and move something I would know instantly. Just wish I kept things a bit neater but never had it in me.
15-Thunder and lightning make me smile like nothing else
16-Looking up at the stars scares me, my mind starts wondering to what's out there and how can space have no start and no end? I already feel very small in this big world but Looking at the stars makes me feel incredibly insignificant.
17-I want to weigh as little as possible when I die, for myself but also because I feel really sorry for who ever ends up carrying my coffin!
18-I love elephants
19-I sucked my thumb till I was 12 and have always twisted my hair around my fingers, especially when i'm tired. in photos of me as a child I have boys haircuts because I would twist my hair so tight I pulled it out. I still twist a lot and can't get to sleep without my hair in my fingers and my mouth covered by my duvet.
20-my favorite flowers are Lillies
21-I've never had a long term relationship or serious boyfriend. Think i'm affraid of commitment and don't like people getting too close and knowing the real me. Short term flings and one night stands have been my limit.
22- I would love a family of my own but terrified that it is never going to happen. I'm pretty sure I will die alone and childless.
23-I hate exercise, it's just so boring but try to push myself to do it when I can, although i'm not very dedicated.
24-I love almonds and anything almond flavoured. Marzipan is the most amazing food every (I just don't let myself eat any of it anymore which is sooooo hard, I miss it)
25-i'm not your typical girl, I hate clothes shopping as everything looks horrlble on my short, fat frame. But I hate shopping for shoes more. I tend to stick to about 2-3 pairs of shoes (wearing my trainers most days) and only buy new when the old are falling apart.
So there we are, sorry this has been so boring but I really am a very boring person.
xabbix
Wednesday 12 October 2011
my before and now pictures
should be sleeping now as up in 5 hours for work but wanted to do this before I lost my nerve, sorry about the picture quality......
me at 13stone before the diet
me now
both pics equally as horrible but hope to improve on the last
xabbix
both pics equally as horrible but hope to improve on the last
xabbix
not too bad so far
Just a quick post as back out in a few minutes
Firstly thankyou to Fatpiggy and Sam for your comments, @Fat Piggy picks will be up in a day or two hopefully.
The visit to mums went well, she loved the cake and surprise visit which was good, and yes I did have some cake but only because when I said no 'A' replied with "yes she WILL have some" and gave me a look, so I had a very small piece. I'm estermating it at 600 calories which is a gross over estermate but may help keep things under control for the rest of the evening.
And mum did notice that I had lost weight, she said I have lost a lot of weight but thankfully was pleased for me (and envious as she is still putting on) so I was happy with that and feel safe in loosing more without her becoming suspicous.
Now i'm off out to the fair which could prove harder work where food is concerned. Both 'A' and 'M' are planning to not only eat at the fair but also eat at McDonalds on the way home....gonna need luck with this one as prob only get away with not eating once. 'A' has been with me all day so knows i'v only had the small bit of cake, figure if i wait till way home to eat then I can only have a little then close enough to home to purge once i'm back!!!!
Please, powers that be, help me to resist all that yummy food tonight, im fed up of being the great fat lump I see in the mirror every day
xabbix
Firstly thankyou to Fatpiggy and Sam for your comments, @Fat Piggy picks will be up in a day or two hopefully.
The visit to mums went well, she loved the cake and surprise visit which was good, and yes I did have some cake but only because when I said no 'A' replied with "yes she WILL have some" and gave me a look, so I had a very small piece. I'm estermating it at 600 calories which is a gross over estermate but may help keep things under control for the rest of the evening.
And mum did notice that I had lost weight, she said I have lost a lot of weight but thankfully was pleased for me (and envious as she is still putting on) so I was happy with that and feel safe in loosing more without her becoming suspicous.
Now i'm off out to the fair which could prove harder work where food is concerned. Both 'A' and 'M' are planning to not only eat at the fair but also eat at McDonalds on the way home....gonna need luck with this one as prob only get away with not eating once. 'A' has been with me all day so knows i'v only had the small bit of cake, figure if i wait till way home to eat then I can only have a little then close enough to home to purge once i'm back!!!!
Please, powers that be, help me to resist all that yummy food tonight, im fed up of being the great fat lump I see in the mirror every day
xabbix
I wonder if they will notice....
Ok so i'm off to see my mum and one of my sisters today. It's been almost a month since i saw my sis and must be about 2 months since i saw my mum, will be intersting to see if either of them notice/comment on the weight loss.
This could also be a challenge, it's mums birthday this weekend but im working, hence the visit today instead and she loves my cakes so made one yesterday for her birthday
The problem is that when i made her a cake last year she made me have a slice, and her slices are NOT small. Gonna try the "I ate loads whilst making it" excuse and see where that gets me.
Then after seeing my family I am off to a carnival in Cornwall with a few friends, this is when my will power must be strong, there will be so many fast food stalls and sweets around me. My friend 'A' knows i'm on a diet but he's always telling me i'm fine as i am (code for "yes you are over weight but don't worry about it") and saying the thing I really hate as it tends to stick in my head "just one won't hurt", god i can't stand it when people say that to me. YES IT WILL HURT BACUSE ONCE I START I WILL NOT STOP!
Please wish me luck
xabbix
P.S I have been thinking about putting up before and after pictures but really scared about doing it. At my heaviest I was 13stone/182lbs which is big as i'm only 5ft 1" i'm very ashamed.
But my after pic is the one i'm most scared of, i'm not slim yet, my thighs still very much meet when my feet are together, i still have quite a stomach on me and I hate my bingo wings. But hoping that putting it on here for all to see will enourage me to keep loosing.....watch this space!
This could also be a challenge, it's mums birthday this weekend but im working, hence the visit today instead and she loves my cakes so made one yesterday for her birthday
Then after seeing my family I am off to a carnival in Cornwall with a few friends, this is when my will power must be strong, there will be so many fast food stalls and sweets around me. My friend 'A' knows i'm on a diet but he's always telling me i'm fine as i am (code for "yes you are over weight but don't worry about it") and saying the thing I really hate as it tends to stick in my head "just one won't hurt", god i can't stand it when people say that to me. YES IT WILL HURT BACUSE ONCE I START I WILL NOT STOP!
Please wish me luck
xabbix
P.S I have been thinking about putting up before and after pictures but really scared about doing it. At my heaviest I was 13stone/182lbs which is big as i'm only 5ft 1" i'm very ashamed.
But my after pic is the one i'm most scared of, i'm not slim yet, my thighs still very much meet when my feet are together, i still have quite a stomach on me and I hate my bingo wings. But hoping that putting it on here for all to see will enourage me to keep loosing.....watch this space!
Tuesday 11 October 2011
Monday 10 October 2011
Natural Beauty
Just thought i would share a poem i wrote a few years back, not my best work by far but still, i tried
How did you get broken
Beautiful china doll
Your porcelain skin
Now so full of sin
And secrets that nobody knows
How did you get spoiled
Beautiful china doll
Your once silky locks
Now tied up in knots
That hide unspeakable things from the world
How did you get so scared
Beautiful china doll
Your fresh little face
Once showed so much grace
Now with wounds that will bleed with a touch
How did you get so sad
Beautiful china doll
Your eyes full of tears
Can't banish your fears
Or the pain that won't remain hidden
How did you get broken
Beautiful china doll
Your porcelain skin
Now so full of sin
And secrets that nobody knows
How did you get spoiled
Beautiful china doll
Your once silky locks
Now tied up in knots
That hide unspeakable things from the world
How did you get so scared
Beautiful china doll
Your fresh little face
Once showed so much grace
Now with wounds that will bleed with a touch
How did you get so sad
Beautiful china doll
Your eyes full of tears
Can't banish your fears
Or the pain that won't remain hidden
Friday 7 October 2011
*yey*
Although i have had a bad week food wise, i have still managed to lose 4lb this week. This means i have now reached my second target weight yey, now a little happier with myself.
On the down side i'm feeling a little poorly with a horrible cold (I love autumn but dislike the viruses that fly round and working in a care home i can be sure to come down with something), and i'm hating work at the moment and am really trying to remember what it was i used to love about it. I do love the residents i look after (well....the majority) but they are driving me nuts recently and it's not even a full moon yet.
Think i just need some excitment in my life, I don't seem to have anything to look forward to anymore and diet aside, I don't have anything to challenge me and my mind, I am in serious need of some mental stimulation!
On the down side i'm feeling a little poorly with a horrible cold (I love autumn but dislike the viruses that fly round and working in a care home i can be sure to come down with something), and i'm hating work at the moment and am really trying to remember what it was i used to love about it. I do love the residents i look after (well....the majority) but they are driving me nuts recently and it's not even a full moon yet.
Think i just need some excitment in my life, I don't seem to have anything to look forward to anymore and diet aside, I don't have anything to challenge me and my mind, I am in serious need of some mental stimulation!
Wednesday 5 October 2011
I'm scared of failing
My day off today has done me good i think, at weigh in this morning i was 2 pound lighter which is ace and very unexpected (and that was before last nights laxative had taken efect) and sorry to be a little gross but have have spent a lot of today racing to and from the toilet so really hping i'm back to where i was before the binging at the weekend. Will find out after weighing in the morning.
Managed to stay at 550cals today, actually feeing quite proud of that even though it could have been better. But it's the next 2 day i'm really worried about. Back at work in the morning to face more food I really don't want to eat, but will power is so bad when doing 12 hour shifts that i'm terrified it will spark a bing again. The manager is there till 5pm on week days so no chance of disappearing to purge if my resistnce fails me.
I need her back, that voice inside my head, my internal monolog that guides and helps me when ever calories are calling to me. I've asked her nicely to come home, i've pleaded and begged. I've cried and screamed and thrown internal tantrums but she is missing and I don't know what I did to drive her away!
xabbix
Managed to stay at 550cals today, actually feeing quite proud of that even though it could have been better. But it's the next 2 day i'm really worried about. Back at work in the morning to face more food I really don't want to eat, but will power is so bad when doing 12 hour shifts that i'm terrified it will spark a bing again. The manager is there till 5pm on week days so no chance of disappearing to purge if my resistnce fails me.
I need her back, that voice inside my head, my internal monolog that guides and helps me when ever calories are calling to me. I've asked her nicely to come home, i've pleaded and begged. I've cried and screamed and thrown internal tantrums but she is missing and I don't know what I did to drive her away!
xabbix
Tuesday 4 October 2011
oh my god i'm fat!!
It's that time of the month i dread. I'm fat, bloated and just want to eat everything in sight, and nearly have. On saturday I binged at work in full view of every one and felt so revolting because of it. Managed to slip off and purge not once, not twice but three times. Each time I felt empty and clean afterwards, then proceeded to eat more. Everytime returning to the kitchen and grabbing yet another handfull of biscuits, bowls full mince that was being served for lunch, cake made for the afternoon teas, it just never stopped.
The same thing happened on sunday but without the purging as i was unable to disappear without being missed, then once home from work I went out and picked up a take away and agin no purge as didn't have the energy. How could I possibly have ther energy for the walk into town to get food but not to put my fingers down my throat to undo the damage!!
Yesterday was a better day, 3 hour walk, 500 calories carb free. Made me feel a little better about myself but it just wasn't enough. 3lb heavier this morning and just didn't keep it up today, must have consumed at least 1500 cals, im so bad at this, just can't get back on track. hoping the laxatives i've just taken will help get rid some of it, got to start thinking thin again, must get myself thin again!!!!
So sorry about this rant, so sorry about being me full stop.
So sorry about this rant, so sorry about being me full stop.
Tuesday 27 September 2011
i've seen a vision
I've just seen her, not in a magazine or on the screen but walking along my road. The girl I want to look like. My living, breathing inspiration. My hight, maybe just an inch or two taller and although it was hidden I could still see. She has legs I could probably wrap my hands around and still touch finger tips, every step she took pushed her tiny thighs against the denim fabic, and just above the neck band of her over sized, baggy jumper I was able to catch glimpses of sharp spine pushing against her pale white skin. I can't tell if she is ana, or if she is maybe luckier than I too possess this frame naturally but I vow to do everything within my power to emulate!
xabbix
xabbix
Wednesday 14 September 2011
Tall as a giant....small as a mouse!
Coming down was almost as hard as treking up hill, again everything moved under foot and the larger rocks and bolders had become extreamly slippery in the rain, but it only took 2 hours 20 minutes to decend then staight to the small pub (that resembled a stone shed) at the base of the mountain, i have never welcomed a pint of lager so much!
I could go on and on about this experience but i'm sure it must be a little boring to read, lets just say that despite only just reclaiming normal use of my legs (have been doing what they call the ben nevis shuffle since sunday) i have had the best weekend of my life. i'm fitter than i thoght i was (out of 84 people me and andy were the 23rd and 24th poeple to finish) and feel so much more confident in myself.....im already considering my next challenge for the alzheimers society, great wall of china or inca trail in Peru maybe?
On the down side of this week, yesterday i received a call to say that a friend i have worked with for the last 6 years had lost her battle with cancer. Having lost my cousin to cancer just a few months ago it hit me quite hard, i cried a LOT and wasn't sure if i was upset for me, or her, or her family. Im still not sure of this but do know that i'm happy she is no longer in any pain and that her family aren't watching her suffer any longer.
But in one phone call i had gone from feeling AS TALL AS A GIANT to feeling AS SMALL AS A MOUSE, and now i don't know what i feel about anything. i still feel like i want to be proud of myself but feel so guilty for doing so. I know Nat would have been proud of me so trying to keep hold of that!
xabbix
Thursday 8 September 2011
All Up Hill
So sorry it's taken me so long to post, been busy busy busy with work, our cook walked out on us and as i take his place on his days off, it was pretty much my job to fill in for him. I absolutely love to cook, although im not exactly the best at it the residents require propper home cooking which i can manage quite well. The down side to this is as a cook you kinda can't help tasting everything as you go and trust me, a teaspoon here and a nibble there soon mount up to a lot of calories even if you don't eat anything for the rest of the day. and it has weakened my will power big time!!!! during my last week off i was consentrating so hard on doing the best possible job i could on the wedding cake and of course on not eating any of it. The cake didn't look bad (despite a few bits im sure i could have done better and should have tried harder with), and i went the whole week without eating a single speck of icing. I will admit i did eat dome of the cake but promtly brought it back up again. then with nearly 2 weeks of cooking and picking at food i have managed to put on 2 pounds instead of loosing anything.
Im going to have to fight with myself to get back on track, need my will power back and my mind straight. next 2 days im going to have to eat the normal 1500-2000 cal, probably a lot more on saturday as im doing a charity trek to the top of Ben Nevis! for those of you who are from the US Ben Nevis is in scotland and is the highest mountain/peak we have in the UK. I don't mind telling you im more than a little scared at the idear of this and am not entirely sure what i was thinking when im applied for this. Doing it with a very good friend if mine, we leave to catch the train to glasgow at 5am tomorrow morning, 8 hours later we will be in Glasgow and waitting for the coach to take us on the 3hour trip to the base of the mountain. meal and breifing at the hotel before an early night and starting the trek saturday morning. Im going to die on this climb. There are a lot of hills to walk down here in devon but nothing like this and im still so unfit, half hour on my exercise bike leaves me panting.
Still it is for a very good cause (alzheimers society) and between andrew and myself we have raised 600 and still have people pledge donations. and although we will be snacking on the way up to keep energy leavel up i will be thinking of my legs and bum getting toned on the way up!
However once home on monday the diet and exercise will definatly be stepped up a few notches. skinny mini here i come!!!!!
xabbix
Im going to have to fight with myself to get back on track, need my will power back and my mind straight. next 2 days im going to have to eat the normal 1500-2000 cal, probably a lot more on saturday as im doing a charity trek to the top of Ben Nevis! for those of you who are from the US Ben Nevis is in scotland and is the highest mountain/peak we have in the UK. I don't mind telling you im more than a little scared at the idear of this and am not entirely sure what i was thinking when im applied for this. Doing it with a very good friend if mine, we leave to catch the train to glasgow at 5am tomorrow morning, 8 hours later we will be in Glasgow and waitting for the coach to take us on the 3hour trip to the base of the mountain. meal and breifing at the hotel before an early night and starting the trek saturday morning. Im going to die on this climb. There are a lot of hills to walk down here in devon but nothing like this and im still so unfit, half hour on my exercise bike leaves me panting.
Still it is for a very good cause (alzheimers society) and between andrew and myself we have raised 600 and still have people pledge donations. and although we will be snacking on the way up to keep energy leavel up i will be thinking of my legs and bum getting toned on the way up!
However once home on monday the diet and exercise will definatly be stepped up a few notches. skinny mini here i come!!!!!
xabbix
Wednesday 17 August 2011
hit a mile stone....hit a wall!
Yey i have got to the 1 sone mark, what a great feeling that was. Stepping onto the scales i was elated and felt like i was making real progress....actually on the road to skinny. This was followed a few days later with the feeling that i am a complete failure and a fraud! how can a person fail to lose anything in 5 days when working a lot of 12 hour shifts and surviving on just 500 calories a day, i just doesn't make sense!!!!
I'm still liking the clean, empty feeling of hardly eating, but my word the lack of any energy is proving so hard to cope with. And although the dizzy, light headed, i'm gonna pass out sensation is welcomed when at home (would often like to check out for a bit, to just not be, even if for only for a few minutes), it simply can not happen when at work, not in front of the other staff and more importantly the residents.
The next week is going to be a mission, have the week off from work. The break is very much apprieciated as i have been working a lot over the last few weeks/months and need the rest more than ever, but in this week i have about 20 sugar roses to make by hand, all to decorate the 3 tier wedding cake that im making on tuesday. going to need all the will power i can possibly get to not eat just one ounce of icing, butter cream or cake trimmings.
Need to keep strong, plough through and hope i can avoid temptation and break down this wall that has erected itself in front of me and my scales.
Please wish me luck! xabbix
I'm still liking the clean, empty feeling of hardly eating, but my word the lack of any energy is proving so hard to cope with. And although the dizzy, light headed, i'm gonna pass out sensation is welcomed when at home (would often like to check out for a bit, to just not be, even if for only for a few minutes), it simply can not happen when at work, not in front of the other staff and more importantly the residents.
The next week is going to be a mission, have the week off from work. The break is very much apprieciated as i have been working a lot over the last few weeks/months and need the rest more than ever, but in this week i have about 20 sugar roses to make by hand, all to decorate the 3 tier wedding cake that im making on tuesday. going to need all the will power i can possibly get to not eat just one ounce of icing, butter cream or cake trimmings.
Need to keep strong, plough through and hope i can avoid temptation and break down this wall that has erected itself in front of me and my scales.
Please wish me luck! xabbix
Sunday 7 August 2011
DOING OK
Ok so a week since my first post and im still on the right rack, have lost 10lb in total so far and really hoping i can reach the 1stone mark my next week. have been eating between 500-1000cals a day and not found it as hard as i expected, imagined i would be really struggling by now and wanting to eat everything in sight. has been about 3 weeks since my diet started and i'm pleased to say that i am again starting to like the feeling of being hungry, and when the shakes start i know i'm doing well, everytime i feel light headed i see it as a sign that i've successfully undereaten and my body will be using my vast amount of fat to sustain its self, what can be better than that feeling right now.
I have just brought myself a bike, one of my friends old ones so hoping to start getting out and about more whilst getting plenty of exercise to burn off those dreadful calories and having the sun on my face whilst summer is still here, one of the best ways to keep friends and family from suspecting you may be starving yourself is to get some colour on your face, pale skin will give you away no matter how cunning you are at hiding your food or purging in secret.
keep well and stay thin xabbix
I have just brought myself a bike, one of my friends old ones so hoping to start getting out and about more whilst getting plenty of exercise to burn off those dreadful calories and having the sun on my face whilst summer is still here, one of the best ways to keep friends and family from suspecting you may be starving yourself is to get some colour on your face, pale skin will give you away no matter how cunning you are at hiding your food or purging in secret.
keep well and stay thin xabbix
Monday 1 August 2011
FRESH START!
Welcome to my new blog, let me introduce myself. My name is Abbi, i am 28 and a health care assistant in a residential home.
I have been overweight most of my life, at my heaviest i was 182 lbs, some thing that i am very ashamed to admit. I have also spent most of my life dieting and someone what unsuccesfully. having said this 2 years ago i decided emough was enough and embarked on a major diet taking myself from a size 14(uk) to a size 6, the thinest i have ever been, yes i wasn't eating very much, sometimes i went days living on just coffee but i did it and although i still felt fat i loved being able to by smaller clothes and being told i was looking very thin!
How ever things have gone wrong, i started to binge and purge a lot and pretty soon i was binging without the purge.
Now back at a size 14 i have never felt so disqusted with myself and have vowed to lose the weight no matter what it takes. two weeks of sticking to no more than 1000 calories i have managed to drop 7lb, it's not much yet but it's a start.
I hope you will continue to follow my progress to that elusive size 0 we all read about in magazines and hopefully offer some surport and tips, i'm sure that together we can all reach our goals and more
xabbix
I have been overweight most of my life, at my heaviest i was 182 lbs, some thing that i am very ashamed to admit. I have also spent most of my life dieting and someone what unsuccesfully. having said this 2 years ago i decided emough was enough and embarked on a major diet taking myself from a size 14(uk) to a size 6, the thinest i have ever been, yes i wasn't eating very much, sometimes i went days living on just coffee but i did it and although i still felt fat i loved being able to by smaller clothes and being told i was looking very thin!
How ever things have gone wrong, i started to binge and purge a lot and pretty soon i was binging without the purge.
Now back at a size 14 i have never felt so disqusted with myself and have vowed to lose the weight no matter what it takes. two weeks of sticking to no more than 1000 calories i have managed to drop 7lb, it's not much yet but it's a start.
I hope you will continue to follow my progress to that elusive size 0 we all read about in magazines and hopefully offer some surport and tips, i'm sure that together we can all reach our goals and more
xabbix
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