damn body . . . . you WILL obey ! !

I was so hoping to reach my third target this morning, actually looking forward to weighing as been losing weight steadily and consistantly all week.

What did I find glaring up at me on the scales? HALF A FUCKING POUND HEAVIER THAN YESTERDAY!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO I want to cry, it's so close I can taste it, I can almost feel it in my well insulated bones sigh. . . . maybe tomorrow eh.

I'm hoping the waether is nice today, think me and 'A' will be going out for a walk, my idea, really need to melt away some of these calories. also fancy going swimming but me in swimwear is not pretty, more like a whale that can't swim. I really wish I had been born with just an ounze of grace .

Even these big boned woman do better than me !

stay strong and think skinning my lovely girls

xabbix

a rose amongst thorns

I just want to show my support for this beautiful girl, she is struggling with life and her last post scares me,

Those that follow her, please show her right now that we all care about her and every girl on here. To those that don't follow, please take a look at her blog, as we probably all know by now, a few kind words and make all the differnce on a difficult day

http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.com/

I wish you and all of my followers strength in our struggles
I love you all
xabbix

trying to stay strong

I'm sat at my laptop with sweat marks on my top, legs aching and trying to convince myself that it will all be worth the effort when i'm slim.

I just can't help wishing there was a simpler way. How do all those skinny girls I know and see walking around do it so easily? My younger sister has it so so easy. She eats what she likes, when she likes, doesn't do any real exercise and still she is a natural size 6 (uk size). It's just not fair that I have to work so hard and near enough starve myself and I'm not even an 8 yet!

Today is my first day of 5 days off from work and i'm going to have to be so careful not to over eat. I estimate that in an average 12 hour shift I burn around 1000 calories easy, so thats 5000 calories I won't be burning this week. Will have to up my exercise to try to compensate (and as I have already said I hate exercise and I really hate getting sweaty and feeling dirty) and try to only eat negative calories. I get bored when I'm not at work and that normally leads me to want to eat all day.

I want to eat right now! I want a big plate of something hot (not eaten a cooked meal for months), something stodgy and comforting. It's a good thing I know all too well how I will be feeling after doing that and it puts me off. Just want the feeling of hunger to go away for a bit, to not have the cravings to constantly fight against. I want an empty plate in front of me and not feel like i'm getting fatter with every bite. I want a normal, healthy relationship with food. But that means fat, and horrible guilt and people watching as I stuff my face with food that fat girls like me are not ment to touch.
I guess I'm just getting tired from the endless fight inside my head!

I refuse to give up!
I refuse to be that weak girl again!
I refuse to be beaten!
I promise to wake up each day a little smaller than the day before
I will win!

feeling back on track

When I woke this morning I was back down to 119lbs, thank god for that. Not sure if it will still be the same tomorrow as had chocolate today on top of the 800cals I had allowed for the day (still aiming for 600-800 each day to keep matabolism ticking over) but hoping the 70mins (600) on my exercise bike with my ankle weights on has been enough to correct my little slip up. Not gonna get too down about it as no point, whats done is done and tomorrow is another day (and a 12 hour shift at work so god knows how many calories I will be burning there!!!).
I also had to put my bike on a harder setting as having it on 6 was getting far to easy, it's now set on 7 out of 8 settings so i'm quite pleased with that.
I am looking forward to getting paid on the 10th, gonna get myself heavier ankle weights, 1lb ones just don't feel heavy enough, 2lb for now will be good and just see how I get on with them. Can feel my legs getting more toned and as I have never had any muscle deffinition before it feels stange but I think I like it,

Hope you are all staying strong and thinking thin

xabbix

and so let the shit begin. . . . AGAIN!

Ok can I feel any worse than I do right now? Probably as I know things will get worse before they get better but Oh My God!!!

First off I am not losing any weight depite the exercise increase, hoping this is just a mixture of more muscle mass from my work outs and being on my monthly, crossing all fingers the scale will soon start going in the right direction.

The main problem right now is work, it just plain sucks. For those of you who don't know, I am a carer in a residential home for the elderly, been doing this job for over 6 years and I really don't know why I still continue to put myself through it!
Right now the shit is hitting the fan (seems to happen about every 6months) and we are getting pulled over the coals left right and centre. Last time the night staff were not doing there job propperly, residents were not being washed well enough and job were just not being done or being done to a very poor standard. This both day and night staff had a bollocking for (I was not happy as I work days and I'm sorry but I do my job fairly well I think). As a result night staff no longer have the job of washing any residents, day staffs work load increases.
The complaint this time is the cleaning. Basic cleaning we have always done after caring for the resident but that is no longer good enough, every room now has to be done to show room standards, work load has increased yet again for day staff, Night staff do fuck all but answere bells, hover 2 rooms and watch TV all night. This morning we all spend far more time cleaning rooms than we did taking care of living, breathing people, I'm sorry is it just me that can see something wrong with this??? And if we are now doing the cleaning then what the fuck do they pay the cleaner for, and pay him more than the trained staff who have far more responcability. He cleanes toilets, we wash and dress frail and ill people, clean shit, perform emergency first aid, we care for the dying, those in pain, inform families that their loved ones have passed away, we have to watch those we have grown to love pass away infront of our eyes.

we all work bloody hard and we have our bosses come in and state that the staff are shit because one toilet was not clean enough. for fuck sake we work 12 hour shifts and hardly have breaks, all for 6 pounds a fucking hour. our residents are all clean, well fed, well cared for and happy, surely that is what is most important?! I am not getting paid for a training day I did last month because someone kindly said I didn't go, I fucking did!!

so sorry for the major rant but need to get it out of my head before I cry

hope you are all having a better day

xabbix