trying to stay strong

I'm sat at my laptop with sweat marks on my top, legs aching and trying to convince myself that it will all be worth the effort when i'm slim.

I just can't help wishing there was a simpler way. How do all those skinny girls I know and see walking around do it so easily? My younger sister has it so so easy. She eats what she likes, when she likes, doesn't do any real exercise and still she is a natural size 6 (uk size). It's just not fair that I have to work so hard and near enough starve myself and I'm not even an 8 yet!

Today is my first day of 5 days off from work and i'm going to have to be so careful not to over eat. I estimate that in an average 12 hour shift I burn around 1000 calories easy, so thats 5000 calories I won't be burning this week. Will have to up my exercise to try to compensate (and as I have already said I hate exercise and I really hate getting sweaty and feeling dirty) and try to only eat negative calories. I get bored when I'm not at work and that normally leads me to want to eat all day.

I want to eat right now! I want a big plate of something hot (not eaten a cooked meal for months), something stodgy and comforting. It's a good thing I know all too well how I will be feeling after doing that and it puts me off. Just want the feeling of hunger to go away for a bit, to not have the cravings to constantly fight against. I want an empty plate in front of me and not feel like i'm getting fatter with every bite. I want a normal, healthy relationship with food. But that means fat, and horrible guilt and people watching as I stuff my face with food that fat girls like me are not ment to touch.
I guess I'm just getting tired from the endless fight inside my head!

I refuse to give up!
I refuse to be that weak girl again!
I refuse to be beaten!
I promise to wake up each day a little smaller than the day before
I will win!